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    July 28, 2002

Prejudice Online

chigger

I had the privilege of sitting through one of the top ten movies of all time yesterday: Hooch & Turner (although I fear my dyslexia is returning, since everywhere I look, it's listed as "Turner & Hooch"). What makes me bring that up is that while I was watching I logged onto the Internet Movie Database and discovered that there's absolutely no mention of Beasley, the actor who stole the movie in the role of Hooch. Beasley plays opposite the whiny, mugging Tom Hanks, best known for playing a supporting role to a fish named Daryl Hannah in "Splash" and to a soccer ball named Wilson in "Cast Away." And yet he's credited right at the top with no mention of Beasley anywhere. IMDB lets you know that Ted H. Hauser was the "assistant camera second unit" and even that Gary Wasserman was uncredited as "assistant to director," but Beasley... nada.

Just watch the stakeout scene where Hooch keeps watch in the front seat of the car while Turner dozes in the back. You'll realize that Beasley CARRIED Tom Hanks. Marlon Brando might be able to do the sloppy face-licking and the drooling close-ups, but nobody cried when HE died at the end of Apocalypse Now. And Tom Green might be able to eat cat turds and lick his genitals but not even hyenas think he's funny.

So tell me how they could fail to credit the star and one of the great performances in film history? Does it have something to do with the fact that Beasley's a dog, and Tom Hanks, Ted Hauser and Gary Wasserman are people? And that the IMDB is run by people? See a pattern here? Do I need to use the "d" word and play the species card? I hope not.

    July 25, 2002

i rest my case

woody

well, chigger has convinced me that eye should lay off the stupid shift key entirely. i have two apologize because eye did knot realize it was creating such a visual mess four all ewe non-dogs out there. sea, the problem is this - dogs due not see different cases, we just see letters. four example, inn my last post i wrote "some things just never get easier." hear, according two chigger, is what that sentence looked like to bipeds:

SomE things just nevEr get easIER.

hear is what that sentence looked like to dogs:

SOME THINGS NEVER GET ANY EASIER.

notice the difference? and yet boat sentences say the same thing. luckily, dogs only have to learn won case because all letters come out the same size. plus we hardly ever use the letter zee in a sentence. eye certainly do knot envy any species that has two learn to hole alphabets in order two reed. but you're probably used two it buy now. chigger also says non-dogs can't sea the colors. can't sea the colors? how can you stand it? why even waste time reading if you can't sea the colors. ahhhh, the colors. that's the best part.

    July 20, 2002

Squirrel Fishing in America

woody

Aaarrgggff. SomE things just nevEr get easIER. hoW was eye suPPosed two no that "MOUSE" was a Cute name for a stupid point-AND-click devIce? It tasteD terrible, sew I gUess I shOULD have known. Anyway, THis graphics tablEt is much more Intuitive.

But wHat I really Want to talk about is Squirrels. Yes. Squirrels. Chigger might jest, BUt sQuirrels are a major preoccupation oF tHe educATed clAsses, of Which eYe couNt myself. SmaRt peOple and SmarT doGs tHink alIke i alwayS say. Check this Out by too HarVarD engineers. It's about The cOOlest tHing I've scene sincE GilDA (the cat) goT locKed in The cLoseT foR a weak (in Dog yeaRs) And pooPed in the Boss's shoes.

Squirrel Fishing: A new approach to rodent performance evaluation

aM eye write ore am eye wRite!

    July 19, 2002

About Us - Part 1

chigger

Woody's so proud of himself for putting up a semi-coherent post that he's off to tell every squirrel within a half-mile of home. Like they care. Squirrels hate the Internet. Just like they hate pretty much everything except bird feeders.

I guess that leaves it to me to try to say a bit about who we are. Woody and I aren't blood related, but we are pack siblings. I'm the alpha female, and Woody's the alpha male. Which, as anyone knows, means I get my way and Woody gets to do all the chasing and fighting and then has to stand in line for props and dog treats.

Agewise, I'm about seven and Woody's about six. If those numbers are confusing, you can refer to our Age Calculator to translate. What we have in common is that for both of us the last time we saw our birth families was while we were standing in a ditch and they were driving away. It just goes to show you that humans aren't nearly as smart as they think they are sometimes. After all, they should be smart enough to know that if they open the door of the car, put a puppy out on the road, close the door, and then drive away, we can't keep up. Especially when we're puppy-size. I can't imagine how bad they must feel when they realize that won't ever get to see us again just because of some ill-conceived game. But then they are the same species that expects us to kiss them on the lips right after we've been licking our genitals. Whatever.

Luckily, we've been able to locate and train a new family to feed and care for us here in the woods in North Carolina. Unfortunately, they also have cats, but I'm sure we'll have a chance to discuss that in depth at a later time.

    July 18, 2002

the WOody-man arrives!

woody

Hay hay hAy! This spell czech thing works preTty GOOD!!! Sew noW it's ME, WoodTick esquire the First, coming two ewe fRom dog utopiA. let mE start buy apologizing four that voiCe recognition fiasco inn my last post. nevEr trust SharEware from turkeY. Near as eye can tell, iT translates everything INto Turkish. Butt hay! Know harm knoW fowl, write? This is Woody signing off four now. Sea you on the flip siDe.