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    August 30, 2002

About Us Part 2

chigger

People have been contacting us wanting to know more who we are, so I figured I'd better do another autobiographical entry. (See About Us Part I. )

Actually, dogs have been contacting us, too, but they just want to know what our butts smell like. (It would sure save me a lot of time if humans were so practical.) So, here's a scratch-and-sniff for the dogs, and the rest of you will have to keep on reading...

butts.jpg

Anyway, as far as breeds go, Woody's a pure-bred Ayarbie (i.e., an Indeterminate Reddish-Brown dog). He had papers when he was really young, but eventually he was expected to poop outside.

As for me, I was baptized an Australian Shepherd, but I left the church after I found out that (a) they cut the tails off Australian Shepherds, and (b) the AKC (aka $#@*!#?%) thinks that white Australian Shepherds are inferior to black and/or brown Australian Shepherds. Pretty arbitrary if you ask me. Hey, at least I'm smart enough to still have a tail, and that's a lot more than you can say for all those Kennel Club Aussies.

I should make it clear that we're grownup dogs. We play hard, we work some, and we sleep a lot. We eat whenever and whatever. We don't do tricks, we don't dress up in silly clothes, and we are definitely not wegmans. (I'm not sure where that term came from, but it's dog slang for dogs that dress up in human clothes and pose for stupid pictures.)

As for where we're located, first you have to sniff out the herd of shetland cattle, then go about a good run time until you come to the black cows. Bark until the cows break for the barn, then go left. (If you smell the markings of a big dog named Bear, you've gone too far, but if you start noticing more deer and turkey droppings, you're headed the right direction.) You cross the creek where the groundhogs live. (Woody has managed to annoy them on more than one occasion, so don't expect them to be friendly.) Keep going and ignore the bag of garbage in the ditch. (It's useless. Whoever threw it out was a vegetarian.) Once you pass the dead possum, be alert for Woody's territory markings. Pretty soon you'll notice a smell that says, "Hi, I'm Woody and I live here. This is my place. It belongs to me. You can visit, but keep your tail between your legs at all times." Then you'll know you're almost there.

Just head left and we'll start barking to welcome you!

    August 26, 2002

Shake year boot-e

woody

hay hay hay! eye got won eye got won eye got won. hear's a grate party trick when you have a human around.

first, weight until the human sits. then walk up, sit down and hold yor paw up. when ewe due that, they almost always reach out, grab your paw and say "shake." you raise and lower your paw a couple of thymes, and then put it back on the floor.

then ewe dew the hole thing all over again.

this will get the human reel excited. the human will shout at the other humans two watch. then the human will hold out it's hand and say "shake." since all his friends are watching, ewe just stare at him like he's crazy. he will say "shake" again while holding out his hand. ewe just sit there. (maybe let your paw flinch just a little bit.) pretty soon he's sitting there saying "o come on, shake, shake, shake, come on, shake, shake, shake." and just like that you've got your human singing a 70s disco song!

    August 25, 2002

Nice Pants (Training Part I)

chigger

Back when Woody and I first committed to the idea of a weblog (back when weblogs consisted of the fascinating if obsessed musing and diaristic detail spewing from the keyboards of anonymous citizens, not the daily pusillanimous political pontificating of self-proclaimed pseudo-cyber-journalists as well as becoming a desperate marketing gimmick for cash-strapped online magazines -- in other words, about two months ago, and I mean human months not dog months) one of the primary things we hoped to accomplish was to serve as an online place to inform and educate other dogs about the behavior and training of people. But since Woody is neither focused nor articulate, and totally capable of giving spell-checkers a bad name, we've been slow to start. But here's an attempt to get the ball rolling. So here's Lesson One.

The first thing a dog should know about humans is that they can't pant to dissipate heat. Sure you see them with their tongues sticking out, and their mouths are always open for one reason or another, but it's dogopomorphizing to imagine that that behavior is the same as the panting we normally do.

We're not really sure what that behavior is about in humans, although researchers Rover, Spot and Gritlips of the Second Back Yard to the South Institute note that humans are prone to imitation and what we consider panting in humans might be nothing more than mimicked behavior.

Why is this important to know? Because many dogs find themselves having to take their people for walks, out to play, hunting, etc. Some dogs are lucky enough to have people that will work along side them while they chase squirrels, bark at intruders, keep cats in line, etc., but most people are lazy and need to have a formal exercise period after you're done with the chores.

The problem is that dogs sometimes forget that, relatively speaking, people are slow and poorly conditioned and can only keep up with a dog in stride for short periods of time. (Remember that two of their legs are vestigial and useless and hang limply at their sides when they run.) But if you don't know how to recognize the warning signs of a human suffering from over-exertion, your human can suffer from increased appetite, heart attacks, flatulence and bouts of loud barking in your direction.

Ironically, if you persist, some humans are so anxious for approval that they will take a rope or strap and attach it to their hand and your collar just to help themselves keep up.

So how do you know when your human is over-exerting? Ignore the pseudo-panting and pay attention to their hide instead. When their hide starts looking very wet, sort of like they've been walking in the rain, that's an indication that their body is trying to dissipate excess heat. They call it sweating. Yes, it's smelly and disgusting, and it probably explains why they have so little hair, but hey, isn't that just one of the reasons we love them?

    August 19, 2002

all dogs go to heaven

woody

"heaven goes by favor. if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." �samuel clemens / mark twain

cnndog.jpg

    August 12, 2002

Categorical imperatives

chigger

Okay, we've come up with an initial set of categories, which I believe will service us well as we strive to inform, teach and educate while at the same trying to avoid redundancy and repetition. We will certain consider adding more as the need presents itself. But at any rate, here's what we've got for starters:

� Us: ruminations on our spectacularness
� Dogues: notice the european spelling
� Rodents: including mice, rats, possums, squirrels, cats, deers and chiwawas
� Humid Beans: behavior, acquisition and training
� Popular culture: things that need electricity to survive
� Poplar culture: things that need water to survive
� Ticknology: blood-sucking bugs, computers and blog maintenance

As you might imagine, any post that has been posted previous to this post has been categorized posthumorously. And please acknowledge the fact that I didn't attempt a single pun on the word "cat-egory." (It only encourages the shameless exhibitionists.) But the urge is almost irresistable, so I think I'll use the word "topic" from now on.

    August 4, 2002

The Truth about cats and female dogs

chigger

Woody, dear, "bitch" and "pussy" will never do. You have to realize that humans, who constitute about 62% of our readership, have a very limited vocabulary. As near as I can tell, they seem to think that "bitch" refers to any woman dumb enough to hang around with a rap singer. I'm not exactly sure what they think "pussy" means, but from what I hear I'm sure glad I'm not a cat.

bureaucracy

woody

chigger has assigned me the task of coming up with a list of categories sew wee can categorize hour posts four the benefit of ewe readers. chigger wants a "housebreaking your human" category, an an "about us" category ann a "pop culture" category four awl her book and movie reviews. as four me, eye just wanted a "pussy" category and a "bitch" category. any other suggestions?