For Immediate Release The White House Office of the Dog Secretary
Statement by the Presidential Dog:
Last week our way of life, our very freedom came under attack by squirrels in a deliberate and deadly terrorist act. The victim, a century-old yellow buckeye tree on the White House lawn, has been lost forever. This tree stood as a symbol of all we hold dear, and I myself have expressed on the subject many times.
In this act we saw evil, the very worst of squirrel nature. An attack in the front yard of our country's alpha dog that was intended to frighten us into chaos and retreat. But they have failed; we are strong.
The search is underway for those who are behind these evil acts. Barney, my pack mate, and I have directed our full resources to finding those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the squirrels who committed these acts and those who harbor them.
These squirrels are only one species in the axis of evil that also includes ground squirrels, red squirrels, grey squirrels, fox squirrels and bunnies. This is a conflict without battlefields or beachheads, a conflict with opponents who believe they are invisible.�Yet, they are mistaken.�They will be exposed, and they will discover what others in the past have learned:��Those who make war against dogs have chosen their own destruction.�
As my human so eloquently noted last week in Nashville: "Fool me once, shame on � uh � shame on you. Fool me � fool me � uh � you see � you can't get fooled again." Of course I'm just a dog, so I don't really know what that means, but I'm impressed at how he segued deftly from a potential malapropism into the lyrics from a Who song in mid-sentence. It's that kind of mental acuity that should have squirrels everywhere quaking in their � uh � whatever they wear on their feet.
Now it needs to be pointed out that Spot is the daughter of Millie, Presidential Dog during the first Bush caretaker administration, and was born in the White House. In fact, Spot is the first off-spring of a former Presidential Dog to ever also hold that post. I mention this because there are some pundits who believe that it was Millie's war against squirrels back in 1991 and her subsequent failure to totally eliminate the squirrel problem that has resulted in this current crisis. Others believe that Spot is mainly interested in using this as an excuse to avenge her mother and is totally ignoring diplomatic solutions. Squirrels respond angrily that Spot is "a rabid mongrel bitch bent on total lawn domination," but then we don't really care what squirrels think, do we?