« December 2002 | Main | March 2003 »

    January 30, 2003

antispamiliciousness

woody

spam spam spam spam spam spam. eye love spam. at least when eye can get it out of the can. it's just unsolicited email eye can't stand. eye mean who does their marketing research? eye'm a dog ewe fool. eye don't kneed a bigger wangus, and eye certainly don't want bigger booberinos and eye'm knot stupid enough two think that some dog stranger in nigeria really wants too send me a hundred million dog biscuits four safekeeping. and looking at animals getting, well, intimate, with naked humans is, well, there's just know accounting four what sum dogs will dew four a cookie. eye guess ewe really half two wonder if humans are really dumb enough two by something from someone who gives them a fake return address. must bee. unless their are humans dumb enough two keep sending stuff out with fake addresses even though know won bys anything. butt awl this is beside the point, which is, inn spite of everything else, the fact that eye'm a total sucker four kinky squirrel porno spam. arf arf arf. ewe no why? because it's really hard for a squirrel two run fast in high heels. har har har.

squirrelicious

    January 29, 2003

Property is Theft

chigger

You know, sometimes I give humans a lot of grief, but the one thing I really admire about them is that they're neither greedy nor materialistic. For instance, when a human finds a really well-aged piece of raw meat, the kind of meat that makes you drool so heavy they measure it in gallons-per-minute. I mean a piece of meat so luscious you have to beat the flies off with a stick, with an aroma so fragrant that even from 100 feet away you have to take deep breaths to keep from swooning. Yes, I'm talking meat as good as it gets, and yet humans never even take a bite. Instead they share the whole thing amongst their animal friends.

Then there's Woody. Given the same opportunity, he'd suck that whole piece of meat down faster than a scared squirrel with bad gas and a tail on fire.

And the greed doesn't stop there. Woody has to have EVERYTHING. If it's bigger than a dog tag, he's gonna claim it and pee on it. He just spends all day pee-ing on things. "That's mine, and that's mine, and that's mine," he's saying. "This tree over here is mine, and this shrub is mine, and this fence is mine, and this hubcap is mine and this stick is mine and this rock is mine." Pu-leeese.

Compare that to human behavior. Humans don't seem to need to own hardly anything. Humans keep life simple. Granted, they all seem obsessed with laying claim to the big white drinking bowl in the bathroom, but other than that you only see occasional displays of materialism, and that's usually way out in the country where nobody else cares.

So what's all this got to do with us not posting for a couple of weeks? Well, it's like this. A while back I was working on a post about training humans to leave the refrigerator door open when Woody comes by and wants to post something about squirrel porno. I say, "As soon as I'm done, Woody," but Woody, being Woody, lifts his leg and says "No now. This is MY powerbook." And, well, he shorted out the monitor and fried the keyboard and it's taken two weeks to get it back from the shop.

    January 14, 2003

suicide squirrel terror

woody

tisque tisque tisque, the unthinkable has happened and hear comes my "eye told ewe sew" diatribe -- its a suicide squirrel attack write hear in hour country. while spot w. dog lolligags around about legislation that will give fillet mignon two every dam pure-bred, claiming it will trickle down to the masses (it will trickle down alright, but it will taste like crap... (hum, is that sew bad... (hey, eye like the taste of crap...))), the squirrel terrorists have maid substantial inn rhodes.

this chilling story is pure, unadulterated pull-its-hair-prize quality war-time inn-yor-face journalism. listen two the reporter jeff gould describing the place of the squirrel in our culture: "the squirrel, though irreplaceable, is worth about 16 cents on the internet, its value mainly in its tail, which can be used as part of a fishing lure."

yeah, fishing lure. that's reel gritty righting. personally eye think 16 sense is hyperbole, butt it brings a tear two the eye of this patriotic dog to read the description of the terrorist squirrel in question:

"The squirrel was right up on the transformer. His hair was standing on end and he was lying on his back, hands folded over his chest, looking up at the sky."

hay men. and good buy.

    January 5, 2003

can cat fishing be far behind?

woody

barf barf barf. thyme two clear up sum fictions witch appeared inn the previous post. four starters, chigger maid a lot of excuses four me not posting four a wile, witch was nice of her, butt the truth is, just like these folks, eye've been out squirrel fishing. however, unlike those people, eye'm knot really into catch-and-release. (you wouldn't bee either if you'd ever tasted my thin crust squirrel-and-catfood pizza.)

ewe mite recall that eye also mentioned another squirrel-fishing web site a while back. you've got to figure that with too sights devoted two the subject of squirrel fishing, can a cable station bee far behind? ore maybe stuffed squirrels mounted to your wall that sing silly songs when you walk buy?

then their was gilda spouting off inn the comments about why guillermo never posts. (sheesh. some cats are just on the wrong side of the firewall.) the reel reason guillermo never posts is that he only speaks cat spanish, and to make matters worse, he only speaks in sports clich�s. sew when wee asked him to contribute two blogdogs, wee got the following:

"meow de m�ow esta meow y meow. �me�w, m�ow? esto meow meow m�ow meow. me�w m�ow salm�n taco meow meow me�w. una meow de m�ow meow. �grande m�ow y meow de meow meow me�w!"

wee tried running it through alta vista's babelcat butt what we got was pretty useless:

"first all desire to thank for anubis of this opportunity. we are taking him a game simultaneously. we had to upwards make it a step for this game. they were a great equipment, and we were lucky to go here with a rodent. it could not have gained without my team. this is what we had formed during the tuna annually. we finished deciding to leave and to have the pleasure there."

no wonder some people feel threatened by cat blogging.