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    May 25, 2003

Live New Chicks!!!


I am totally totally tired. Beat. Shelled. Worn out. I've only been getting 14 or 15 hours of sleep a day lately and I'm really starting to feel it. There's a new herd of baby birds here and I'm just running myself ragged trying to keep them in line. Stump and Tweet came up with this plan for acquiring two new chicks and four new ducklings, but did they have a suitable post-acquisition plan to maintain law and order around here after this regime change? Not on your life. Now this new flock is running amok, endangering themselves and potentially threatening the stability of the entire region. It's cowboy diplomacy at its most arrogant, I say. It has fallen on me to maintain a constant vigil, protecting these miniature fowl from predators, Gilda and their own peccadilloes. And with the budget cuts around here, the likelihood of reinforcements is nil. I'm wasting all my time getting these ducks in a row and I'm tired of it. It's a dog's life.


FOLLOWUP: There has been some insinuation since I put up this post that I hyperbolize the seriousness of my appointed responsibility. Let's face it. Ducklings only have about three beans in their heads. So for those doubters, I refer you to this near tragic duckling incident.

    May 18, 2003

spin doctor


hmm, hmm, hmm... hour sew very cool reader annie recently axed us if wee had "any experience with spinning possums?" well buoy did she come two the write place. dew eye have experience with possums? dew humans shit in a white bowl full of water?

eye must first concede that theirs sum disagreement concerning the intelligence of possums. four instance, the n.o.s. claims that possums our actually smarter then, ahem, dogs. (well excuuuuse me.) butt eye suspect that n.o.s. is a fox network web site intent on sensationalism and rabbit rousing. after all, the vulnerable naturalist vernon bailey has shown quite definitively that the possum brain consists of 25 dried beans.

the thing ewe half two no about possums is that they like two play dead. in fact, that's why wee call them possums, because they like two play "possum." of coarse, playing possum works just fine if know won else nose year playing possum. butt wons a predator -- four instance me -- nose that possums like two play possum, well then it makes them pretty easy two catch, as ewe mite imagine.

the other thing ewe half to no about possums is that, according two the literature, possums are marsupials, witch means that they carry there kids around inn pouches ore duffle bags ore some sort of shoulder bag thing.

ones ewe no awl this its pretty easy two figure out why possums spin around. its because they want two play dead butt their carrying this shoulder bag full of kids and it makes them lean sew awl the beans in there head shift to won side and, well, it just makes them lopsided and it sets them two spinning. inn fact, sum people traditionally refer too possums as "o"-possums. the "o" symbolizes the spinning circle, end "possum" refers two playing dead. eye think its either latin ore texan inn origin.


hears me and chigger talking too a possum. he's bean playing dead four about three days but he's knot fooling us.

    May 10, 2003

That's MS. Bitch to You


With all due respect to my blogmate, Woody and his last post, you'd think that a neutered 47-and-a-half-dog-year-old dog might have learned just the teeny tiniest bit of respect for the gender of his mother and his 47 sisters. (Or for that matter, me.) Do you realize how de-caninizing it is for a bitch to be objectified like that? Take another look at Sweet Pea. Does she look happy? No. She looks terrified. That's an "I've got something weird stuck on my head, the lights are blinding, there's a thousand strangers staring at me, this collar is strangling me, I've got to take a shit and what's that strange smell" look if I ever saw one. And I haven't even mentioned the stupid evening gown competition. I just wish the Fox network would stop objectifying bitches and portray them with the same respect and dignity they reserve for human women.

    May 9, 2003

ooo-wee doggy


oow, oow, ooooooowwwwww! ooo sweet pea, come on and dance with me!!!! did ewe see that "miss dog beauty pageant" last knight on fox? eye'm telling ewe the dog network no's how two dew it write. what a bunch of foxes! and sweet pea, the winner, well that bitch can hose down my kennel any time. yeah, she can brush my tale. eye'd let her open my cans. ewe bet. she could sure trim my nails. u-huh. she can give me my rabies shots. know weight. eye take that last won back. eye hate rabies shots.