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    February 27, 2004

out damn'd spot - dotus r.i.p.


sob sob sob. it saddens me two report that hour stall wort white house correspondent, spot the white house dog (dotus), has been "put to sleep." we wish her dogspeed two wear ever.

now eye want two make sure ewe understand that eye give awl do props two the spotster, butt this event is raisin sum issues inn my mind.

four starters theirs the hole linguistical thing: "put to sleep." huh? "put to sleep"? ewe want two no why dogs never close there eyes when they get tired? cause they no that when ewe go two sleep inn a human world, ewe doughnut wake up. eye'm really knot into that. how about sum truth inn advertising. yor knot putting us two sleep, yor killing us. "going to sleep" should imply that ewe've got a 80-90 percent chance of waking up (that's 110-115 percent in dog percentages). butt know.

spotty.jpgif eye go two sleep end due knot wake up -- inn large part because ewe've had me "put two sleep" -- well, don't flatter yor self that ewe've dun me a flavor. four starters, ewe've murdered me. end two make things worst, my chances hour one-in-four that eye'll cum back as a cat. (that's three-in-four in dog chances).

the other issue eye kneed two discuss is pacific two the spotster. why hasn't the press looked moor closely into this death? eye mean besides drudge blaming spot's death on clinton's cat, rush dittohead blaming it on a bad back, michael moore blaming it on the national guard, and jay leno blaming it on the colorado football team, know buddy has even considered the hard questions.

spot sat inn on sum of the government's most sensitive meatings. what did spot no, end when did she no it? huh? spot new moor about the intimate crotch smells of the world's most powerful men, and condoliza rice, than any mammal alive. ewe want conspiracal theories? well jest axe yor self why spot is dead just as the 2004 election is heating up and humans our starting two sweat more.

could it bee all those failed promises about bringing squirrels to justice? or attacks cuts? did spot fall victim two the patriot axe? was it because the administration didn't care about vets? did she support sane sect marriage between dogs? ore the know dogs left behind bill? (why wood any dog want two be behind bill?) did it have something two due with the balance of play ments? is she being maid a scape dog for the missing weapons of mashed deconstruction? is tom delay really an ass? eye mean assassin?

end what about barney? yes, barney, the "other" white house dog. the one the president described as "the son i never had." [note two self: bite yor tongue, woodman, this is a serious essay.] inn spite of spot's 14 years of devotion (that's 85 in dog years) she was always overshadowed buy the spoiled, egotistical end undisciplined barney. did barney institute a bit of the old family tradition of regime change? eye woodn't put it passed him buy a long snot.

whatever, yor jest knot going two tell me that the most powerful dog in the free world* jest suddenly goes... "to sleep!" first it was bambi's mother, then it was vince foster, end now spot. when will the violins stop? when?


* eye always wondered about this "free world" thing. is their actually a world where they charge admission?

    February 22, 2004

A Dog By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet


I'm becoming increasingly concerned with the issue of identity theft online, and feel compelled to express some of my concerns. If you spend much time on the web, you soon realize that there are web sites written by dogs, and web sites written by humans about the dogs they live with. And that's all fine and good. But more and more what I'm finding is web postings that are identified as written by dogs, when in reality they are written by — yes, you guessed it — humans.

Read a few of the posts on this web site and you'll see what I mean. Sure these posts are written in the first dog, but are dogs really writing them? I say no. How can you tell? I'll tell you.

For starters, dogs never refer to any human as "Mom," "Mommie," "Mum" or any other human variation on the word bitch. We don't use bizarre phrases like "T.T.ing" to refer to "taking a piss." And we certainly don't lapse into some kind of mid-20th-Century-blackface-plantation-movie-pseudo-patois as a way to suggest that we‚re not human. I quote: "Mum sez the evil vetman sez I should have a bath evvy WEEK with de medisin soap!!"

"With de medison soap?" Huh? Show me a dog that talks like that and I'll show you a bad Hollywood screenwriter in a poodle costume.

So what can you do to prevent identity theft?

Unlike your paw print, which is unique to you and cannot be given to another mammal for their use, your personal scent can be used, if it falls into the wrong hands, to personally profit at your expense.

The most important thing you have to watch out for is to not let humans sniff your butt. Once they've acquired your scent they can go out and claim territory, threaten other animal species and have relationships with the opposite sex, all using your good name.

And don't forget to eat all your turds. More than one dog has been victimized by identity theft because they left a smelly tell-tale pile of crap laying around for human identity thieves to abuse.

If you have to spend most of your time in proximity to humans that you're not sure you can trust, be sure to never poop where they want you to poop. Try to poop someplace where your scent will be contaminated by other scents, such as a kitchen or bedroom floor. Carpets are good because the texture makes it hard for humans to retrieve an uncontaminated sample.

And of course, as every dog knows, if you regularly eat cat turds it will mask the true identity of your end result.

And finally, always remember to be e-mail savvy. If you get an e-mail message with an attachment labeled "deadsquirrelguts.exe" DON'T OPEN IT. I don't know how many times I have to tell dogs that you can't send dead squirrel guts through the Internet, and the sooner you figure that out, the sooner we'll get a handle on all this spam.

* * *

On a related subject, the aforementioned issues have caused us to lose faith in our human tech support and so we have changed our tech service over to Primate Programming Inc. We expect that this will help us keep our web site more secure and shouldn't result in any change in quality to our readers.

Primate Programming Inc: The Evolution of Java and .NET Training

    February 17, 2004

michael logical


fungi fungi fungi. yes, eye'm totally fungalicious. the won thing eye was able two accomplish wile confined two dog island was two partake inn my hobby of taking pitchers of mushrooms and fungi and indulging my passion four awl things mycological. now dew knot get me rung. eye am knot a mycophagist (eye eee, a person who eats funguses). (four starters eye'm knot a person, sew eye woodn't bee a mycophagist even if eye eight funguses.)

(butt the point eye'm trying two make is that eye don't care four mushrooms.) (their disgusting. end persons turnip there knows when wee eat cat turds. go figure.)

anyway, eye have installed my portfolio of shroom pix four you awl two sea. end as an added bonus, my good friend buster has kindly provided the scientifical pig latin names four each genius and specious. eye'm sew envious. eye always wanted two bee able to talk too foreign pigs. there sew exotic.

    February 16, 2004

quit doggin' me, chig


awl write awl write awl write. its awl my fault. ewe happy now, chigger? sew cut me sum slacks. the bottom lime is that dog island sucks. big thyme. ewe jest think it was "really really really good" because yor a cute bitch end every friggin' alpha-male-wannabee on the island was literally kissing year but.

meanwhile, eye'm getting my but kicked about every too seconds, and that's dog seconds. their quicker then people seconds. eye want a drink of water end eye've got to fight three dogs. eye want two eat end a hole gang of mongrels come up end tell me two get two the back of the line. end eye don't even want two talk about what happened when eye went up end said hello two that cute little poodle.

sew eye pea'd in bluto's dog food bowl. sue me. he deserved it. then they voted us off the island. ore sew they said. butt what with dog island being off the coast of florida, eye'd take those election results with a grain of salt.


sew phooey on dog island, end ewe kin take down those yellow ribbons, cause weird back!

end four those of ewe who think this blog has been boring four the passed few months, check this one out.

    February 15, 2004

One Hundred Dog Years of Solitude


Okay, I have to admit I didn't expect to ever be posting here again. Not in a million dog years.

If you didn't figure it out, a couple of months ago Woody and I packed up our bag of bones and moved to Dog Island. And let me tell you, we�re not like those fools on Star Trek who, every time they come across some utopian society, become immediately suspicious and initiate some kind of regime change. I guess that�s a human thing: if life is really really really good, then you�re morally obligated to muck it up.

But not this dog. Dog Island was, indeed, really really really good. After the first week I threw away my tags and vowed I�d never ever sit-on-command again. It was like I was a queen. I can honestly say that I didn't miss a single thing about my old life, with the exception of warm cat turds. But when they're not trying to pass off meat byproducts and rotten vegetables as dog food, I can live with that.

But nirvana was not to be my fate. Why, you ask? Why? WHY? Let me tell you why. @&#%# WOODY GOT US VOTED OFF THE ISLAND.

Now excuse me while I go bang my head against a rock.