A Dog By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet
I'm becoming increasingly concerned with the issue of identity theft online, and feel compelled to express some of my concerns. If you spend much time on the web, you soon realize that there are web sites written by dogs, and web sites written by humans about the dogs they live with. And that's all fine and good. But more and more what I'm finding is web postings that are identified as written by dogs, when in reality they are written by — yes, you guessed it — humans.
Read a few of the posts on this web site and you'll see what I mean. Sure these posts are written in the first dog, but are dogs really writing them? I say no. How can you tell? I'll tell you.
For starters, dogs never refer to any human as "Mom," "Mommie," "Mum" or any other human variation on the word bitch. We don't use bizarre phrases like "T.T.ing" to refer to "taking a piss." And we certainly don't lapse into some kind of mid-20th-Century-blackface-plantation-movie-pseudo-patois as a way to suggest that we‚re not human. I quote: "Mum sez the evil vetman sez I should have a bath evvy WEEK with de medisin soap!!"
"With de medison soap?" Huh? Show me a dog that talks like that and I'll show you a bad Hollywood screenwriter in a poodle costume.
So what can you do to prevent identity theft?
Unlike your paw print, which is unique to you and cannot be given to another mammal for their use, your personal scent can be used, if it falls into the wrong hands, to personally profit at your expense.
The most important thing you have to watch out for is to not let humans sniff your butt. Once they've acquired your scent they can go out and claim territory, threaten other animal species and have relationships with the opposite sex, all using your good name.
And don't forget to eat all your turds. More than one dog has been victimized by identity theft because they left a smelly tell-tale pile of crap laying around for human identity thieves to abuse.
If you have to spend most of your time in proximity to humans that you're not sure you can trust, be sure to never poop where they want you to poop. Try to poop someplace where your scent will be contaminated by other scents, such as a kitchen or bedroom floor. Carpets are good because the texture makes it hard for humans to retrieve an uncontaminated sample.
And of course, as every dog knows, if you regularly eat cat turds it will mask the true identity of your end result.
And finally, always remember to be e-mail savvy. If you get an e-mail message with an attachment labeled "deadsquirrelguts.exe" DON'T OPEN IT. I don't know how many times I have to tell dogs that you can't send dead squirrel guts through the Internet, and the sooner you figure that out, the sooner we'll get a handle on all this spam.
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On a related subject, the aforementioned issues have caused us to lose faith in our human tech support and so we have changed our tech service over to Primate Programming Inc. We expect that this will help us keep our web site more secure and shouldn't result in any change in quality to our readers.