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    July 24, 2006

excremental developments

woody

mark mark mark. ewe no, it has bin my observation that humid beans half particularly complicated relationships with nature. ore sew it seams in the case of stump. he has bin ranting on end off four years now end as near as eye kin tell, it awl has two due with this japanese holly plant he bought end seems to obsess over. heck, it looks just fine two me. in fact it looks just grate. but apparently their must bee birds flying buy end pooping on it, because it seems like almost every day he comes stomping into the house swearing and screaming at the top of his lunge, "that bush is sooooo full of crap!!!!"

Japanese Holly

eye guess he has had awl the fertilizer he kin stand.

    July 21, 2006

The good, the bad and the unthinkable

chigger

In my last post it was remiss of me to fail to acknowledge "dogma," a great web site where I first learned about the neo-fascist "kitler" movement. Dogma is a great blog because, first of all, it's got "dog" in the title. It's written by someone named Gina Spadafori, which, if I'm not mistaken, is human for "Spot," so that's what I'm going to call her, Ms. Spot.

Anyway, in addition to pointing out the kitler thing, Ms. Spot is cool because she's not a big fan of what she calls "Edison medicine" and what I call "electrocution training for dogs." Plus she lives with a parrot that only says "What are you doing?"

However, on the not-so-cool side, she tolerates cats, and she champions her own self by asking, "How many people do you know who subscribe to the Wall Street Journal and the Whole Dog Journal?" I'll not jump to judgement, but personally, I'm skeptical of a human who get her ideas from a journal that espouses a world view that only the rich and pampered can afford. And for all I know, the Wall Street Journal might be just as bad.

But what really concerns me about Ms. Spot is that she is the author of "Dogs for Dummies." Now I'm all for dogs for the blind, dogs for the deaf, dogs for the sick, dogs for the disabled, dogs for the infirm, dogs for the abused, dogs for prisoners, dogs for humans with old-timers disease and depression, dogs for treehuggers and dogs for ass-kissers, dogs for loggers and dogs for bloggers, dogs for iPods, and even dogs for dogs. There's lots of ways we can contribute if you've got enough biscuits. But when it comes to dogs for dummies, well I just have to put my paws down. It's cruel, uncouth, demeaning, inconsiderate, embarrassing, humiliating and downright rude. "Cats for Dummies," sure. "Birds for Dummies," that's a stretch. But "Dogs for Dummies"? The horror.

hiltondog.jpg


    July 18, 2006

it's a doggy dog whirl

woody

hmm, hmm, hmm. eye kin still remember back inn the day when wee whir all retainees at the infamous alpo grape prison, wear the sign over the door red, "no shirt, no shoes, no torious." sew even if sum dogs kin forget, eye kant. anyway, eye no eye saw this dog when eye was their. shows ewe what six months of organic peas and carrots vegan dog food will due two a well-adjusted dog when he finally gets a bone.

    July 16, 2006

Here kitler kitler kitler

chigger

What's a "Kitler" you ask? Well, as if you couldn't guess, it's a cat that looks like Hitler. Scary? Yes. Here's a brilliant web site devoted to documenting the phenomenon. They're dead set on world domination and it would be really great if this could launch a call to action to stop these creatures. Cats, that is, not just kitlers. Oh I wish Gilda was alive to see this one.

kitler1.jpg

    July 10, 2006

csi: alpo grape

woody

sew sew sew as ewe kin obviously sea, chigger is perfectly content two go write back too begging four biscuits end acting like alpo grape is just sum thing of the passed. well knot me. eye am still won pretty pissed off puppy because eye no who did that two us. reed on. eye'm going two name names.

remember that picture that chigger showed ewe last week of me, yes me, being threatened buy a pack of rapid dogs and a guy on a leash with a big but? hear, let me refrench yor memory:

Woody in pain

now eye looked at that pitcher four the longest thyme. something jest did knot seem write. than eye noticed the shadowy little figure on the write.


Woody Surrounded plus pointer

could it bee? eye had to find out. sew eye took the pitcher two won of those forensic labs ewe sea on tv wear they enhance photos end had them blow up that particulate part of the photo sew ewe kin sea stuff better.


Woody Surrounded zoom

eye still could knot tell four sure, butt eye did notice a shiny patch on the back of the dog's neck. sew eye pointed at it end told the lab too blow it up end enhance it. end then eye knew:


Barney

barney! it was just days before hour deduction that eye wrote inn my eulogy two spot the (former) white house dog:

end what about barney? yes, barney, the "other" white house dog. the one the president described as "the son i never had." inn spite of spot's 14 years of devotion (that's 85 in dog years) she was always overshadowed buy the spoiled, egotistical end undisciplined barney. did barney institute a bit of the old family tradition of regime change? eye woodn't put it passed him buy a long snot.

stump thinks sum dog named "rover" mite have put barney up two it (although he pronounced it without the last "r" witch eye attribute two his speech in pedal mint). know matter. vengence willoughby mine. may bee knot two day. may bee knot tomorrow. butt won day when he least inspects it, isle male a note that says barney is over do four awl his shots end needs his temperature taken too. mark my words, that dog will get his in the end.

    July 9, 2006

Legal Immigrants for Sale

chigger

So just as Woody and I are getting our writing chops back, we're dragged off to the middle of nowhere for a week. Argh. Nobody ever tells us a thing. It always happens this way. Tweet and Stump say "Hop in the car," and we don't know if it's going to be a five minute trip to the post office, or one of those journeys where they drive one direction for what seems like months, stop so we can poopnpee, then turn around and drive all the way back. And they say cats are dumb.

So anyway, we're riding in the car, and they're going on and on with each other about illegal immigrants this and illegal immigrants that. He says we need them to do all our work for us. She complains that they take all the best spots at the beach. Blah, blah, blah. But then I look up and see this sign and wonder why nobody thought of it before ... selling legal immigrants at discount prices! Brilliant!

Legal Cubans