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    October 27, 2006

Um, Nevermind


Well, there's a chill in the air around here, and it's got nothing to do with the season. I'm apparently in the dog house (not a real dog house, but a figurative dog house - I wouldn't be caught dead in a real dog house, those are for cats) for having reported on Stump and Tweet's conversation about reptile dysfunction. Luckily, we have a house rule against waterboarding, but I perceive a cold bath and an anal-gland squeezing in my immediate future. Ouch.

As was explained to me in a series of terse and rather loud commands, not only was that conversation not for public consumption, but apparently I totally misunderstood what was being said. Stump insists that what they were actually talking about was not "reptile dysfunction," but rather "electile dysfunction."

Electile dysfunction, I was informed in carefully measured words, is a reference to "dim-witted humans who vote for neon conservatives who believe in paying the horse with a rock." Hmmm?

"Sounds like a dim-witted horse to me," I said.

"Sit, stay, shut-up," said Tweet.

If only I had listened. Instead, I blurted: "Are you suggesting that you prefer a cowardly butt-and-done immediate withdrawal strategy?"

Luckily I have wifi, because now I'm shut out of the house and writing this in the driveway with the sounds of a slamming door and shouts of "WE WERE NOT TALKING ABOUT SECTS" still ringing in my ears.

I dunno. I think I should have listened to Woody and had them both neutered when we first adopted them. But I always thought it might be fun to have a litter. Now I don't think I could handle more than two of them.

    October 26, 2006

Reptile Dysfunction


I'm sure glad the weather's finally cooling off. Not only does it signal the end of the worst flea and tick season in recent memory, but it seems like there's also been a particular lot of snakes this summer as well. (See Fig. 1) This is bad because they like to eat the chicken eggs (See Fig. 2) and they don't pay a lot of attention to me when I try to convince them otherwise.

Figure 1

I even heard Tweet complaining to Stump the other night that he needed to do something about this recent Reptile dysfunction. He said he'd look into it, but right now it was pretty hard. I suppose with the snakes hybernating and all there's not much you can do after the season's over, but he put in a call to Alice the snake doctor anyway. He told Tweet that he thought that if he could see Alice it would take care of the problem. I sure hope so. I miss getting the occasional egg myself.

snake swallowing an egg
Figure 2

    October 11, 2006

freedom of expression is snot necessarily free


WMF? WMF? WMF? sum housecleaning is inn hors d'oeuvres around hear before my hard disk explodes. four starters, theirs hour friend weiz dawg[1] who keeps sending us stuff that needs expressing. (speaking of "expressing," eye went two the vet yesterday, end she expressed my anal glands. WDTMYSP. butt judging from the disparaging comments about my cent, freedom of expression is knot high on the vet's list of constitutional writes. butt hay, eye enjoyed it and eye still support our vets.)

Will Robertson drawing

anyway, back two hour friend w-dawg. today he referred us two this site witch eye like because its easy two reed. its about humids drawing dogs. most knot sew good. yes, bad dog drawings are a bomb a nation, butt eye'm convinced that with discipline, long walks and a good shock collar ewe kin probably teach yor humid two draw well enough too send something decent to this web sight. end if that doesn't work, buy 'em this book.

How to Draw Dogs

eye hate two start humid-bashing, butt the other link w-dawg cent was about humids studying left-handed dogs. knot two put two fine a point on it, but what's the point? we mite catch if yor lucky, but we're knot going to throw. police! first of awl, we don't half hands. second of awl, we half four paws, sew any valid test wood half two consider weather a dog favors the left-front, right-front, left-rear or right-rear paw. end eye haven't even mentioned the tale witch we use for shaking and communicating, end the fact that we usually pick things up with hour mouth. lets get this strait. the only valid weigh too determine a dog's pawedness is two give a dog a really big, thick stake end note witch paw they lick last when their dun. with most dogs this requires at leased seven ore ate stakes two make an accurate extermination. axe any dog. they'll tell ewe eye'm write. end then they'll let ewe test them. sew eye can only express my anal glands on this study.

barkslopeadimage.gifend finally, last weak eye got sum email from this doggie "boutique" wanting two buy advertising space on yor humble blogdogs web sight. they said they'd send us money if we displayed a picture like the one ewe see on the right. eye mean police! ewe think hour moral integrity is four sale? don't they reed hour posts? don't they no we half the up most content for dog sweaters end dog boots end dog dresses (!!!!???$%#$%#$) end awl things dog clothing-like? end dog spas end dog baths? end especially dog holiday costumes? eye mean if eye, a dog, can type, then they, a humid, should bee able two reed. they're just lucky eye don't decide to unionize those dog mottles they use. sad what sum dogs half two due to put food on the floor.

[1] weiz dawg, or w-dawg as we refer to him, actually likes cats moor than dogs. we humor him because he lives in a conservative dog community and needs to maintain a public profile that belies his true feelings. say la vee. we won't out ewe bob.

    October 3, 2006

At war with a rock


Yesterday I overheard Stump complaining that his president has said that he'd continue his war with a rock even if the only ones who supported him were his wife and his dog Barney. That made my ears perk up, because even though Woody and I have had our well-documented differences with Barney the DOTUS, we can still discuss issues of major import when the situation warrants it. (Barney loves to discuss philosophical questions such as "if you had to choose, would you choose cat food or cat poop?" After much deliberation, he settled on poop, since, he reasoned, that way you get the cat food too. He called it a "value-added product." Smart dog that Barney. Malevolent, but smart.)

Anyway, I sent Barney a note and asked him if he supported this war with a rock. He said, "Not so much."

I don't know where that leaves Stump's president. Tweet said she thought he was caught between a rock and a hard on. Stump laughed, but if it was funny I didn't get it.