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    December 18, 2006

merry kwanchrisnukah and a happy new ear


owl, owl, owl. two knight, four yor listening engorgement, eye wood like to present chew with my contemporary stylings on a traditional holiday favorite from my rapper tore. just press play.

    December 17, 2006

People Are Not Dogs


Back in October, about 56 dog weeks ago, something named Jeff posted a comment here at your humble blog dogs web site. We were flattered, and still are, that our new friend Jeff took the time to be sociable. Dogs love sociable. We'd send him a bumper sticker, except he didn't leave a mailing address.

Anyway, I referred to Jeff as a "something" because I was confused as to whether Jeff was a dog or a people. Here's where the confusion came in. Jeff left us a link to a site, likely of his own creation, called "Dogs Are Not People." We were quite excited about that, since there's been very little scholarship on what, to us, seems a very obvious observation.

However, upon visiting Jeff's site, we were shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that he is very likely a people and that he's, well, got some issues.

So in an effort to produce some intellectual balance in advance of the holidays, we offer our point-by-point response to Jeff's "Dogs Are Not People." (This is unusual for us, since we are not pointers. That's a whole different kind of dog. But sometimes a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do.) We call it "People Are Not Dogs." To prevent you from having to jump back and forth, we've indicated Jeff's original points in greyed text.

Dogs Art Not People (Jeff)

People Are Not Dogs (blog dogs)

You have to clean up their shit.

They pick up turds, wrap them in plastic bags and put them in their pockets. Yeech.

If they bite someone, you're libel.

They have a breed called “lawyers” that makes all aspects of their lives miserable.

You have to groom them.

They wear clothes. Worse yet, they LIKE to wear clothes. And even worse than that, they like to put clothes on dogs. Sad.

You have to take them for a walk every day, regardless of the weather.

They’re scared to go out if the weather’s not perfect. When they do, they have to put on even MORE clothes. Basically, they just hate to walk. They’d rather sit. That’s why the get hemorrhoids.

They're expensive. The average cost of owning a dog over a lifetime of 10 years is $6,400. Wouldn't that money be better spent on your child's education, a nice vacation, a gift for your wife, self-pampering, or anything else that has true worth? And who knows what serious health-related issues will come up? They get worms and have other unpredictable—and costly—health problems. And what about obedience classes? Cha-ching!

They’re cheap. The average cost of caring for a dog over a lifetime of 10 years is about half the cost of their daily Starbucks half-caff caffé latte venti. And if you have a litter of pups and your person can’t sell them, they drive out in the country and toss them in the ditch. Try to get laid and they cut off your balls. When you get older and start relaxing, they have you “put to sleep.” Cha-cheap! I say.

They're dirty and unsanitary. Not only do they sometimes pee and shit in the house, but they also lick their own crotch, then lick you. How appetizing is that? Also, when they're peeing, they often miss and tinkle on their legs and feet, tracking significant amounts of urine into the house. Dogs are also sloppy eaters, splashing water and food everywhere, and they slobber on everything from your face to your bed pillow.

They NEVER go outside to pee or poop. Every dog knows you don’t poop where you live. (Remember, and I can't emphasize this enough, they also pick up poop in plastic bags and bring it home.) 'Nuff said.

Most dogs shed, creating a perpetual mess, with hair accumulating in virtually every crevice of the house.

Most people don’t have hair except for patches in weird places. They shed microscopic, dried, dead skin flakes all over the house, exacerbating allergies and asthma. And still, they shave off the hair they have in some parts and then rub snake oil on other parts to try to make it grow there instead.

They're loud when they bark, and they disrupt the peace of the neighborhood unless you muzzle them.

They’re loud when they yell your name, and they disrupt the peace of the neighborhood unless you come on the first call. (Of course every dog knows that people talk baby talk to you when you're alone with them, but when other people are around they scream and holler and pretend that they taught you the meaning of "GET DOWN" and "GO OUTSIDE." Huh?)

They interrupt peaceful moments.

They interrupt peaceful moments. Especially those on the couch.

They're unpredictable. No matter how friendly a dog is, it can turn on the owner and possibly injure or kill your child. And many breeds are genetically inclined to attack. Not to mention that even “nice” dogs play rough, which is a risk to small children.

They’re predictable. People love to put you together with children who are often nasty, mean and a likely source of physical harm. Genetically inclined to be overweight and hopped up on sugar, children will hit, kick and jump on you while adults look on admiringly. Any attempt to retaliate or protect yourself makes you a candidate for euthanasia. I'm telling you, it's the youth who should be in Asia.

They usually bother guests, especially if the guest doesn't like dogs or if they have an allergy to pets.

They usually bother visiting dogs. They’re totally ignorant of social conventions. They get bit because they don’t know the difference between “welcome” and “I’m going to steal your food.” And they get humped because they wear really stanky perfume. What do you think musk is for, fool?

They're a time suck. Every moment spent with a dog is a moment away from someone you love. Sure, you can include family members and significant others in dog activities. But is that really quality time spent on strengthening family and romantic relationships?

They’re always bored with each other. Even when they’re with someone they love, they sit side-by-side staring at a screen. It’s what they call “quality time.” When they pay attention to us, it's only to distract themselves from the fact that the person they usually stare at a screen with is "working late at the office" five nights a week. Face it, dogs are much more forgiving of your weak chin, your pasty complexion, your stinky feet, your whiny voice, your droopy boobs, your obsession with football, your beer gut, your lame politics, etc. than any "family member or significant other."

They don't really give you “unconditional love,” as so many people seem to think. They just act affectionate based on conditioned response. They know you're going to feed them, pet them, etc. Those are the only reasons they act as if they're your “best friend.” Again, DOGS ARE NOT PEOPLE.

People think dogs should love them regardless of how they treat them. Some fools think that shock collars, choke chains, muzzles, and the occasional whack along side the head will create an everlasting bond of friendship. Hey, fool, it didn't work with your spouse, and it's not working with us. Of course we do it for the food! Again, PEOPLE ARE NOT DOGS.

Some dogs are big and clumsy, knocking over and breaking fragile stuff.

Some people are scrawny blondes who try to carry dogs around in their purses to impress photographers. Other people pay lots of money to see those people.

They're destructive. Leave some dogs alone, and they'll trash your house or car. Remember “Turner & Hooch”?

They love to lock dogs, as well as people they disagree with, in small rooms for long periods of time. Remember “Shawshank Redemption”?

You have to transport them in your car. Why spend all that money on a good car, only to have a dog ruin the interior?

They’re physically unimpressive, and need traveling machines for all but the shortest journeys. If they could run to the store, we'd be more than happy to accompany them. But no, they gotta drive.

They're a hazard in the car. Not only do they distract you from driving (especially if they're loud and running around), but they are dangerous projectiles in an accident if they're not properly harnessed.

They tend to multitask while driving, making them a danger to each other and especially for any dogs they’ve forced to travel with them. You've never heard a dog say, "Fred, get in the car."

For some dogs, you need a fenced-in yard. Fences are expensive to install, not to mention that the dog will shit freely to its heart's content. Would you rather have a nice clean yard for your kids, or have a dog create an unsanitary shit minefield? And have you ever tried to clean up a yard filled with shit after it rains?

Because they don’t pee outside, they can’t mark their territory. Because they’re physically pathetic, they can’t defend their territory. So they have to spend tons of money on fences. This forces dogs to shit and pee in small confined areas. It creates an unsanitary shit minefield. They deserve to have to clean it up.

They're annoying. They never let you eat in peace without begging relentlessly, and some will follow you around the house no matter where you go.

They’re annoying. They insist on complete control over what you eat. Then they give you dry, colored, tasteless cardboard crap for food. They won’t give you anything decent to eat no matter how much you beg.

Rabies: All outdoor dogs have a danger of contracting this serious viral disease.

Genital Herpes. All humans that go out have a danger of contracting this serious viral disease.

Most dogs get fleas.

Most people get pimples. When they grow up, most people get hemorrhoids.

Someone has to watch the dog when you go on vacation.

You have to entertain their friends when they go on vacation.

They smell, no matter how clean you keep them.

They have no personality. And whenever they start to get one, they go take a bath.

And finally, one of our own courtesy of Woody:

People fart. So do dogs. But people try to hold onto their farts. This makes them irritable and ultimately irrational. They say and do strange things just to end a conversation and get out of the room. This has led to several wars, the merger of AOL and Time-Warner, Britney Spears’ divorce and most of Mel Gibson’s problems. It's just air! Let it go! If it really loves you, it will come back.