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Yes, we have no bananas

chigger

No I'm not back. This is just a maintenance post. I'm still here. Still retired. Still not posting. Just had to check in for the benefit of the knuckleheads.

chiggerold.jpg

First, for those of you who care, I'm doing fine. Pretty lame in my back hips, the eyes aren't much good any more, but after nearly 15 years I know my way around here pretty good and my nose and ears are just fine thank you and that's what's important. The hair is going white, at least those parts of it that weren't already white; but I can still enjoy going for a walk, or a car ride, and I still got my appetite. Got to go swimming last week and that was great.

chiggerinwater.jpg

But I ramble.

Anyway, I am not here to revive this blog. As I said last year, and the year before that, it's done. Over. Dead. It's not on hiatus. It's passed on. This blog is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!

I leave it here for archival purposes, or as Woody (RIP) would have said, arch-rival porpoises.

Some folks still come by for the dog-age calculator. Others like to visit the C.M. Coolidge dogs-playing-poker page. Some folks visit because they can't spell any better than Woody used to could, so when they Google "Chiwawa" it brings them to blogdogs.com. And finally, there's a refined pack of dogs and dog lovers who come here just to luxuriate in the forty-plus dog years of fascinating writings by Woody and yours truly.

We was pioneers. There's no denying it. How can you tell? Just type "blogdogs.com" into your browser. See where you end up. We're not "Goofus the Blog Dog" or "blogdogs1643.com" or "blogdogs.edu" or "blogdogs.blogger.com" or whatever. There's only one "blogdogs.com" and it's me and Woody. Period. And always has been.

Did we invent the dog blog? That's for dog historians to determine. But young pups these days have no clue what it was like back in the day, designing for 640-pixel-wide, 16-color monitors; waiting for the dial-up modem to connect so you could spend the next three hours uploading a thumbnail picture. There was no "embed this video" YouTub, no Facebutt, no Twitturd. Laptops weighed 75 pounds and had three-inch monitors. There was no wifi. We had to attach our computers to big heavy expensive cables and coffee shops weren't good for anything but getting coffee. We had to press our blog entries into clay tablets and then upload them using ropes and pulleys, AND WE LIKED IT!

But I ramble.

Anyway, here's the deal. In spite of the fact this blog is artifactal, there's a number of folks out there who continue to write to me even though they've obviously never read a single friggin' post. I'm flattered. But in almost all cases I'm getting the impression that they're not really paying attention. For instance, here's some nice woman named Rebecca:

Hi Chigger and Woody,

My name is Rebecca, I am from http://xxxxxxx . We sell a variety of dog care products....
 
I came across your site today while browsing the Web and fell in love with it! I found it extremely full of fun! I did no't (sic) know it was possible for a dog to strain their tale (sic) for wagging too hard. Ha!

We would like to write a blog post telling our customers how valuable your site is on our blog, http://xxxx. It would be wonderful if you could feature XXXX on your own site. This can be a great opportunity for both of us to increase our brand exposure and get the word out about our sites.

What my dear friend Rebecca apparently didn't notice is that

  1. There hasn't been a post here in over a year
  2. Woody is dead.
  3. The anecdote about the tail strain was a post-Woody reminisce and not meant to be funny.

Sheesh.

Amy wrote recently to say:

"We evaluated your blog based on the following criteria: Frequency of Updates, Relevance of Content, Site Design, and Writing Style. After carefully reviewing each of these criteria, your site was given its 6.0 score. Please accept my congratulations on a blog well-done!!"

Amy also offered Woody and I the opportunity to put their logo on our web site to draw attention to our 6.0 (out of 10) score.

6 out of 10? Huh? I mean even if the writing and design deserved perfect 10s, we couldn't score any better than 5 when you factor in zeros for frequency and relevance. I mean there's nothing there. It's a void! Do the math! Argh.

Maria writes:

I work for LinkStar, a leading broker of online advertising, dealing with many thousands of independent webmasters worldwide. We currently have a client in the Gaming industry for whom we are looking to acquire advertising from quality websites.

We've had a look at your site and think that it would be a good match for our client, whose target demographic is similar to your own.

What demographic is that? Dead dogs? People who read neglected blogs? What?

Julia writes:

We are proud to announce the publication of Blah Blah Blah by award-winning journalist Blah Blah and world-renowned photographer Blah Blah. ... Once you've had a chance to read more about Blah, it would be great if you could help us spread the word by posting a shot of the cover on your website or in your newsletter. Please let me know if that's something you would be able to do.
Yes, Julia. I'm pretty much blind and, oh by the way, I'm a dog. So by all means send me the book. Include a thick slab of meat and I'll put you in my next newsletter.

Ryan writes:

Hi Woody and Chigger,

First off, great blog! I discovered your BlogDogs Blog a few weeks ago and have been checking back on it regularly. Wow, the adventures of Woody and Chigger are quite fun to ready (sic) about! You're doing a wonderful job of building community through your blog. Keep up the great work.

My name is Ryan and I am working with a Portland, Oregon-based company that is preparing to release a blah blah blah...

If you're interested in being one of the first to review this new blah and post your thoughts on your blog, I'd love to send you a complimentary promo.

Checking back regularly, Ryan? What? Reading the same year-old post over and over again but never comprehending that part of the text that says Woody is dead and I'm not posting any more?

But I ramble.

Anyway, for those of you I know and love, this is a bonus post.

It's also a chance for me to see if the next entrepreneurial fool who writes wanting to promote a product or exchange a link or kiss my smelly butt for a favor has actually read anything that's written here. If that describes you and you're reading this far, I've got two words for you: Gerret Swirled. Gerret is a capitalist whore. He even tries to eat out of my food bowl before I'm done. He'll say good things about a dead cat if there's a treat in the offing. Check him out.

if you still write me with some bullshit email about how great my blog is and would I do this for that, I'll know you never read even the first post in the blog and I'll just roll over and go back to sleep.

For the rest of you, buy my stuff, visit my pack-mate, take naps, wag your tail and remember to stretch. Love ya all. (Of course I do. I'm a dog.)

Comments

Awesome post!! You are so right about the messages - the only thing worse is an offer for medicines, or an increase in size of a part of the anatomy that I don't have in the first place!!

A classic man/dog vs machine. Fortunately, for me, my spam filter manages to filter these sort of time waster straight into the junk pile.

How said that old dogs can't learn new tricks?

Dear Blog owner,

Do you wanna trade a link white me? i put a link on my site to your blog an you to me?

Grz

R van Wensen

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