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    November 11, 2007

support our vets

woody

ow, ow, ow. eye half 2 confess that eye'm knot feeling very whale these days. tired. knot much of an appetite. pain in my guts, its hard two type. the vet says its a two-more. a very nasty two-more. (end btw, chigger informs me that that's knot the kind of vet we r supposed 2 support, sew please ignore that yellow ribbon tag on my collar. eye'm as confused as ewe r. butt its just as well. these vets stick me with needles two "help" me. yeah write. eye'm sure the other kind of vet is nicer.)

anyway, the vet says eye got maybe days, maybe weaks left. stump didn't take that news very well. what he does knot realize, is that, conveniently enuf, that's weaks end months inn dog years. sew eye'm making the best of it. butt still eye figured eye'd better right while eye can.

furst of awl, if their our any dogs out their, let me tell ewe this: when ewe get (sic), the food gets a lot better. the cans disappear, end its know moor "by-products" four this wood-ster. (our ewe as tired of eating chicken feat end cow hoofs as eye am?) this is sum good stuff. it tastes like chicken. yeah, reel chicken. except when it tastes like reel pork, or reel beef, or reel turkey, or whatever. very, very, very, cool.

only problem is that their tends two bee foreign objects inn the food. these objects our usually like little round things end taste bad. teh trick is two slide them up into yer lip end then go outside end spit 'em out wear the squirrels will find them. it makes the squirrels behave reel peculiar-like. (as if squirrels dent always behave peculiar.)

butt enough about me. eye wanted two share my thoughts about hunting. their knot very complicated. eye figure that a dog's gotta due what a dog's gotta due. butt their are sum dogs ewe just half two admire. eye thought eye was a good hunter, butt eye can't hold a candle two this super-alpha dog. well, eye can't hold a candle anyway, butt ewe get the idea.

ok, eye'm tired. moor later.

    December 17, 2006

People Are Not Dogs

chigger

Back in October, about 56 dog weeks ago, something named Jeff posted a comment here at your humble blog dogs web site. We were flattered, and still are, that our new friend Jeff took the time to be sociable. Dogs love sociable. We'd send him a bumper sticker, except he didn't leave a mailing address.

Anyway, I referred to Jeff as a "something" because I was confused as to whether Jeff was a dog or a people. Here's where the confusion came in. Jeff left us a link to a site, likely of his own creation, called "Dogs Are Not People." We were quite excited about that, since there's been very little scholarship on what, to us, seems a very obvious observation.

However, upon visiting Jeff's site, we were shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that he is very likely a people and that he's, well, got some issues.

So in an effort to produce some intellectual balance in advance of the holidays, we offer our point-by-point response to Jeff's "Dogs Are Not People." (This is unusual for us, since we are not pointers. That's a whole different kind of dog. But sometimes a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do.) We call it "People Are Not Dogs." To prevent you from having to jump back and forth, we've indicated Jeff's original points in greyed text.

Dogs Art Not People (Jeff)

People Are Not Dogs (blog dogs)

You have to clean up their shit.

They pick up turds, wrap them in plastic bags and put them in their pockets. Yeech.

If they bite someone, you're libel.

They have a breed called “lawyers” that makes all aspects of their lives miserable.

You have to groom them.

They wear clothes. Worse yet, they LIKE to wear clothes. And even worse than that, they like to put clothes on dogs. Sad.

You have to take them for a walk every day, regardless of the weather.

They’re scared to go out if the weather’s not perfect. When they do, they have to put on even MORE clothes. Basically, they just hate to walk. They’d rather sit. That’s why the get hemorrhoids.

They're expensive. The average cost of owning a dog over a lifetime of 10 years is $6,400. Wouldn't that money be better spent on your child's education, a nice vacation, a gift for your wife, self-pampering, or anything else that has true worth? And who knows what serious health-related issues will come up? They get worms and have other unpredictable—and costly—health problems. And what about obedience classes? Cha-ching!

They’re cheap. The average cost of caring for a dog over a lifetime of 10 years is about half the cost of their daily Starbucks half-caff caffé latte venti. And if you have a litter of pups and your person can’t sell them, they drive out in the country and toss them in the ditch. Try to get laid and they cut off your balls. When you get older and start relaxing, they have you “put to sleep.” Cha-cheap! I say.

They're dirty and unsanitary. Not only do they sometimes pee and shit in the house, but they also lick their own crotch, then lick you. How appetizing is that? Also, when they're peeing, they often miss and tinkle on their legs and feet, tracking significant amounts of urine into the house. Dogs are also sloppy eaters, splashing water and food everywhere, and they slobber on everything from your face to your bed pillow.

They NEVER go outside to pee or poop. Every dog knows you don’t poop where you live. (Remember, and I can't emphasize this enough, they also pick up poop in plastic bags and bring it home.) 'Nuff said.

Most dogs shed, creating a perpetual mess, with hair accumulating in virtually every crevice of the house.

Most people don’t have hair except for patches in weird places. They shed microscopic, dried, dead skin flakes all over the house, exacerbating allergies and asthma. And still, they shave off the hair they have in some parts and then rub snake oil on other parts to try to make it grow there instead.

They're loud when they bark, and they disrupt the peace of the neighborhood unless you muzzle them.

They’re loud when they yell your name, and they disrupt the peace of the neighborhood unless you come on the first call. (Of course every dog knows that people talk baby talk to you when you're alone with them, but when other people are around they scream and holler and pretend that they taught you the meaning of "GET DOWN" and "GO OUTSIDE." Huh?)

They interrupt peaceful moments.

They interrupt peaceful moments. Especially those on the couch.

They're unpredictable. No matter how friendly a dog is, it can turn on the owner and possibly injure or kill your child. And many breeds are genetically inclined to attack. Not to mention that even “nice” dogs play rough, which is a risk to small children.

They’re predictable. People love to put you together with children who are often nasty, mean and a likely source of physical harm. Genetically inclined to be overweight and hopped up on sugar, children will hit, kick and jump on you while adults look on admiringly. Any attempt to retaliate or protect yourself makes you a candidate for euthanasia. I'm telling you, it's the youth who should be in Asia.

They usually bother guests, especially if the guest doesn't like dogs or if they have an allergy to pets.

They usually bother visiting dogs. They’re totally ignorant of social conventions. They get bit because they don’t know the difference between “welcome” and “I’m going to steal your food.” And they get humped because they wear really stanky perfume. What do you think musk is for, fool?

They're a time suck. Every moment spent with a dog is a moment away from someone you love. Sure, you can include family members and significant others in dog activities. But is that really quality time spent on strengthening family and romantic relationships?

They’re always bored with each other. Even when they’re with someone they love, they sit side-by-side staring at a screen. It’s what they call “quality time.” When they pay attention to us, it's only to distract themselves from the fact that the person they usually stare at a screen with is "working late at the office" five nights a week. Face it, dogs are much more forgiving of your weak chin, your pasty complexion, your stinky feet, your whiny voice, your droopy boobs, your obsession with football, your beer gut, your lame politics, etc. than any "family member or significant other."

They don't really give you “unconditional love,” as so many people seem to think. They just act affectionate based on conditioned response. They know you're going to feed them, pet them, etc. Those are the only reasons they act as if they're your “best friend.” Again, DOGS ARE NOT PEOPLE.

People think dogs should love them regardless of how they treat them. Some fools think that shock collars, choke chains, muzzles, and the occasional whack along side the head will create an everlasting bond of friendship. Hey, fool, it didn't work with your spouse, and it's not working with us. Of course we do it for the food! Again, PEOPLE ARE NOT DOGS.

Some dogs are big and clumsy, knocking over and breaking fragile stuff.

Some people are scrawny blondes who try to carry dogs around in their purses to impress photographers. Other people pay lots of money to see those people.

They're destructive. Leave some dogs alone, and they'll trash your house or car. Remember “Turner & Hooch”?

They love to lock dogs, as well as people they disagree with, in small rooms for long periods of time. Remember “Shawshank Redemption”?

You have to transport them in your car. Why spend all that money on a good car, only to have a dog ruin the interior?

They’re physically unimpressive, and need traveling machines for all but the shortest journeys. If they could run to the store, we'd be more than happy to accompany them. But no, they gotta drive.

They're a hazard in the car. Not only do they distract you from driving (especially if they're loud and running around), but they are dangerous projectiles in an accident if they're not properly harnessed.

They tend to multitask while driving, making them a danger to each other and especially for any dogs they’ve forced to travel with them. You've never heard a dog say, "Fred, get in the car."

For some dogs, you need a fenced-in yard. Fences are expensive to install, not to mention that the dog will shit freely to its heart's content. Would you rather have a nice clean yard for your kids, or have a dog create an unsanitary shit minefield? And have you ever tried to clean up a yard filled with shit after it rains?

Because they don’t pee outside, they can’t mark their territory. Because they’re physically pathetic, they can’t defend their territory. So they have to spend tons of money on fences. This forces dogs to shit and pee in small confined areas. It creates an unsanitary shit minefield. They deserve to have to clean it up.

They're annoying. They never let you eat in peace without begging relentlessly, and some will follow you around the house no matter where you go.

They’re annoying. They insist on complete control over what you eat. Then they give you dry, colored, tasteless cardboard crap for food. They won’t give you anything decent to eat no matter how much you beg.

Rabies: All outdoor dogs have a danger of contracting this serious viral disease.

Genital Herpes. All humans that go out have a danger of contracting this serious viral disease.

Most dogs get fleas.

Most people get pimples. When they grow up, most people get hemorrhoids.

Someone has to watch the dog when you go on vacation.

You have to entertain their friends when they go on vacation.

They smell, no matter how clean you keep them.

They have no personality. And whenever they start to get one, they go take a bath.

And finally, one of our own courtesy of Woody:

People fart. So do dogs. But people try to hold onto their farts. This makes them irritable and ultimately irrational. They say and do strange things just to end a conversation and get out of the room. This has led to several wars, the merger of AOL and Time-Warner, Britney Spears’ divorce and most of Mel Gibson’s problems. It's just air! Let it go! If it really loves you, it will come back.

    November 24, 2006

The Museum of Modern Arfs

woody

All things must change, and with that brief fanfare, I announce that after more than 37 dog years of consistency and tradition, we, your humble blog dogs, have added a new category: the museum of modern arfs.

What inspired this momentous break with long-standing tradition? Why the discovery of an artist, so brilliant, so visionary, that we could no longer pretend that culture was little more than a pool of slime in a petrie dish. That artist is... (drum roll) the magnificent Pawlick!!!!!

pawlick art

If you don't like it, then you don't get it. This is not your run-of-the-mill namby-pamby art. This is high-grade, conceptual, social sculpture! Why? Well, let me tell you.

It's not the images Mr. Pawlick creates that are important. What's important is the medium: dry commercial dog food. All his art is made with those crappy, dry, tasteless, formed, colored, 100-year-shelf-life turds that humids like to call "kibble."

Why is that important? Because people are buying his stuff! This will inspire more artists to work in kibble, and more collectors to buy art made of kibble. This will drive the price of kibble through the roof and pretty soon humids will have no choice but to feed us REAL food. I LOVE ART!!!!

So today we add Pawlick to our pantheon of great artists, which includes C.M. Coolidge and little Billy Wegman. Please support Mr. Pawlick because we're concerned for his future. If he were doing well, he probably wouldn't need to contact a couple of dogs to promote his work.

    September 6, 2006

fala see, barney no sea

woody

bout, bout, bout thyme. eye've bean weighting four what seams like forever two right about this, butt chigger said eye couldn't until the statue of expectations had perspired. eye'm like WDEMEL, butt then again, WTF.

ewe sea, earlier this summer, write after we whir unleashed from alpo grape, chigger end eye went looking four hour weevil nemesis barney, the official DOTUS. knot only did he send us to alpo grape, but he accused us of making something called nerd gas. (write. like his farts don't stink.) BED.

wee learned that barney was inn a place called deasey. sew we went their. butt we ran into too problems. won, barney is surrounded buy secret surplus asians, end too, we came two a large creek. (ewe should no that eye'm off the bee leaf that if god wanted dogs two swim, he wood half given cats gills.) sew we gave up on that idea four the thyme beating. butt that's knot the point.

sew anyway, eye'm only jest getting to the hole point of this post. ewe sea, chigger end eye our both history butts. end being in deasey, we whir able to visit the monument two the gratest DOTUS of awl thyme, fala. eye was CSIMD. fala was the official dog back before hour thyme. he met with humid beans like instant church chill, and jokin' stalling, and helped end ww2. (eye don't no what ww2 was, but eye thing it's what came just before www). he also apparently fixed the grate depression, witch mussed half worked since theirs no dents in the grate now.

anyway, fala lived with this guy in a wheelchair named hefty harr. they whir sew clothes that fala brought hefty two many of the imported meetings, and he is even included in the background of fala's statute. when hefty died, fala took care of hefty's wife helen horr, who was a thespian that liked whirred peas.

chiggerfala.jpg  woodyfala.jpg

    August 31, 2006

Alpha Dog for a Day

chigger

So the other evening Woody and I were hanging with some dogs from down the road, playing a little poker, sniffin' a little butt, barking at the moon as it were. Unfortunately, as the night wore on we ran out of milkbones, which pretty much killed the poker game, since you pretty much can't bet 'em if you eat 'em. That left us playing one last round of no-limit Trivial Pursuit for all the remaining kibble. The round featured both skill and luck, and finally it all came down to me. One right answer and I was alpha dog for the night. Think I wasn't sweating? (Well, actually I wasn't. Dogs don't sweat.) Anyway, I swallowed hard as I listened to the question: "Name the top selling homosexual dog album of 1966." Yes! I nailed it!

songsforgaydogs

[NTTAWWT -woody]

    August 11, 2006

Dog Dials 911. Yawn.

chigger

Doing some digital housecleaning tonight. Getting rid of a few post-it notes as it were.

Here's a story the Internets are making a big deal about. It's a dog that dialed 911 and saved his, well, the story calls him an "owner." (I prefer the word "pawn," but then I don't work for a friggin' newspaper.)

Now all I got to say about that story is, get used to it. Dial 911? Big deal. That's what we do. Don't believe me? Then read this. And then read this.

***

I want to throw out a shout-out to Ash, a cool dog who has managed to put together a crib with some chickens and a couple of artists in rural Scotland. Not too shabby. It's not Frog Pond Farm with Stump and Tweet, but I could tolerate it.

***

On the technology side, I'm struggling to find a balance between making it easy to post comments while still making it hard enough to discourage cats and spambotulators. Today I made it a bit easier and will monitor how it goes. After all, we're dogs. We need your love. Talk to us. Please!

And finally, for dogs who are relatively new to the blog dogs, I've added a brief blog bio to the greetings dogs!!!!!!!!!! link on the upper right. Try it. You'll like it.

The Half-Life of Wolves

chigger

Tell me what this is about. Here's this human who is allegedly killed by her nine dogs, or, more accurately, half-wolf/half-dogs. Or, to add a bit of clarity to the human need for statistical analysis, she was killed by four-and-a-half dogs and four-and-a-half wolves. Now if you read the story, and you're a dog, what you really notice is the fact that, buried in the tiny type and without fanfare or elucidation, it says, the nine wolf/dogs "...were later euthanized." Now for you chihuahuas out there, that doesn't mean they got youth treatments, it means they were killed.

Now I'll refer you back to Woody's last post where a bunch of humans killed 50,000 dogs. There's no place in the small type that says anything about any of those humans getting euthanized.

I'm just sayin'.

    August 10, 2006

stop the violins

woody

phuque, phuque, phuque. czech this out. end jest when eye was about two have a nice day. sum bunch of humid beans half kilt 50,000 dogs. y? parent lee because they whir worried about rapid dogs. now eye don't care how fast these dogs whir, that's know excuse four killing them.

chigger tells me eye am missing the point. they didn't kill them because they whir rapid, butt rather they killed them just inn case their was a chance they mite get rapid in the future. that makes me bang my head against a tree, but chigger says that this is called the bush doctrine, witch is sum hot knew idea wear ewe kill other stuff before they figure out that they mite half a reason two kill ewe. specially if they half gas, end dogs definitely half gas.

now this is knot jest sum pigment of my imagination. Look at this pitcher:

man beats dog

that is knot sum pin-yada those humids are whacking. inn fact, that looks a lot like me. eye guess the lotion of "cruel end inhumid punishment" doesn't apply if the object is snot humid.

update: hour good friend spot is eluding two the same tapestry inn her blog. butt two make matters worst, she says their going two kill another half-a-melon dogs. due the matt. that's me and chigger times 250,000. argh.

it makes me sad that humids don't love dogs as mulch as dogs love humids.

in fact, it makes me sad that humids don't love humids as mulch as dogs love humids.

update #2: from the npr blog... "One of the many reasons for the outrage," Louisa tells us, "is the barbaric methods used for massacring the dogs. In Mouding, some were beaten to death in front of their owners. Also, in order to find dogs that were hidden by their owners, culling squads went out after darkness banging pots and pans and setting off fireworks to frighten the animals into barking -- so they could track them down and kill them."

ug.

    August 7, 2006

De-dummification

chigger

Just to be clear on a few things, I want to revisit the issue of dogs and dummies that I raised last week. After all, there are worse things than dogs for dummies, such as DOGS FOR FREAKIN' IDIOTS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR ALL MY FUR OUT AND STICK IT UP MY NOSE. ARRRRGH.

Anyway, the obvious point is that in spite of my outspoken efforts, there are some of you dogs out there who sooner or later are going to find yourselves in the company of dummies, or, if you live in Washington, DC, maybe one of the aforementioned idiots. My message to you is don't despair. With enough effort and a ton of patience, even a total idiot can be taught a rudimentary skill or two.

Take Stump and Tweet. I mean I love those two dearly (Like I have a choice. I'm a friggin' dog. It's hardwired into my DNA.) but they were never the shiniest collars in the pet store if you know what I mean. And yet now, after only ten years, I've taught them how to spell at least six words, all because I kept working at it and never gave up.

How did I do it? I'm here to tell you.

Let's take the word "walk." If you want to teach your dummy to spell you've got to show them tons of enthusiasm and shower them with affirmation. Every time Stump or Tweet would say the word "walk" I would rush to the door then back to where they were sitting and jump and down and wag my tail real hard and pant and bark and run back to the door and so on and so forth to acknowledge the fact that that was the word we were working on. Sometimes they would figure it out and we'd go for a walk, other times they wouldn't, but I never gave up. (I knew a city dog that had some success at this stage by pooping on the kitchen floor, but that's a specialized skill that should only be used by more experienced dogs.) It also helps if you have another dog around, like Woody, to increase the level of affirmative enthusiasm.

Anyway, to make a long story short, with lots of work Stump and Tweet eventually learned to spell "walk." They were tentative, and tended to be soft-spoken about it, looking furtively and saying, "Should we take the dogs for a w-a-l-k?" But they spelled it. And because they spelled it, I could just sit there quietly and relax knowing I'd done a good thing.

These days Stump and Tweet can spell also spell "treat," "food," "bone," "dog," "bath," and "vet." I'm so proud. Will they ever be able to spell well enough to write a coherent position paper on the Boxer Rebellion? Well, you know what they say about monkeys and typewriters. But hey, at least they're not total idiots, and it goes to show that with persistence you can indeed teach an old dummy new tricks.

    July 21, 2006

The good, the bad and the unthinkable

chigger

In my last post it was remiss of me to fail to acknowledge "dogma," a great web site where I first learned about the neo-fascist "kitler" movement. Dogma is a great blog because, first of all, it's got "dog" in the title. It's written by someone named Gina Spadafori, which, if I'm not mistaken, is human for "Spot," so that's what I'm going to call her, Ms. Spot.

Anyway, in addition to pointing out the kitler thing, Ms. Spot is cool because she's not a big fan of what she calls "Edison medicine" and what I call "electrocution training for dogs." Plus she lives with a parrot that only says "What are you doing?"

However, on the not-so-cool side, she tolerates cats, and she champions her own self by asking, "How many people do you know who subscribe to the Wall Street Journal and the Whole Dog Journal?" I'll not jump to judgement, but personally, I'm skeptical of a human who get her ideas from a journal that espouses a world view that only the rich and pampered can afford. And for all I know, the Wall Street Journal might be just as bad.

But what really concerns me about Ms. Spot is that she is the author of "Dogs for Dummies." Now I'm all for dogs for the blind, dogs for the deaf, dogs for the sick, dogs for the disabled, dogs for the infirm, dogs for the abused, dogs for prisoners, dogs for humans with old-timers disease and depression, dogs for treehuggers and dogs for ass-kissers, dogs for loggers and dogs for bloggers, dogs for iPods, and even dogs for dogs. There's lots of ways we can contribute if you've got enough biscuits. But when it comes to dogs for dummies, well I just have to put my paws down. It's cruel, uncouth, demeaning, inconsiderate, embarrassing, humiliating and downright rude. "Cats for Dummies," sure. "Birds for Dummies," that's a stretch. But "Dogs for Dummies"? The horror.

hiltondog.jpg


    July 18, 2006

it's a doggy dog whirl

woody

hmm, hmm, hmm. eye kin still remember back inn the day when wee whir all retainees at the infamous alpo grape prison, wear the sign over the door red, "no shirt, no shoes, no torious." sew even if sum dogs kin forget, eye kant. anyway, eye no eye saw this dog when eye was their. shows ewe what six months of organic peas and carrots vegan dog food will due two a well-adjusted dog when he finally gets a bone.

    February 27, 2004

out damn'd spot - dotus r.i.p.

woody

sob sob sob. it saddens me two report that hour stall wort white house correspondent, spot the white house dog (dotus), has been "put to sleep." we wish her dogspeed two wear ever.

now eye want two make sure ewe understand that eye give awl do props two the spotster, butt this event is raisin sum issues inn my mind.

four starters theirs the hole linguistical thing: "put to sleep." huh? "put to sleep"? ewe want two no why dogs never close there eyes when they get tired? cause they no that when ewe go two sleep inn a human world, ewe doughnut wake up. eye'm really knot into that. how about sum truth inn advertising. yor knot putting us two sleep, yor killing us. "going to sleep" should imply that ewe've got a 80-90 percent chance of waking up (that's 110-115 percent in dog percentages). butt know.

spotty.jpgif eye go two sleep end due knot wake up -- inn large part because ewe've had me "put two sleep" -- well, don't flatter yor self that ewe've dun me a flavor. four starters, ewe've murdered me. end two make things worst, my chances hour one-in-four that eye'll cum back as a cat. (that's three-in-four in dog chances).

the other issue eye kneed two discuss is pacific two the spotster. why hasn't the press looked moor closely into this death? eye mean besides drudge blaming spot's death on clinton's cat, rush dittohead blaming it on a bad back, michael moore blaming it on the national guard, and jay leno blaming it on the colorado football team, know buddy has even considered the hard questions.

spot sat inn on sum of the government's most sensitive meatings. what did spot no, end when did she no it? huh? spot new moor about the intimate crotch smells of the world's most powerful men, and condoliza rice, than any mammal alive. ewe want conspiracal theories? well jest axe yor self why spot is dead just as the 2004 election is heating up and humans our starting two sweat more.

could it bee all those failed promises about bringing squirrels to justice? or attacks cuts? did spot fall victim two the patriot axe? was it because the administration didn't care about vets? did she support sane sect marriage between dogs? ore the know dogs left behind bill? (why wood any dog want two be behind bill?) did it have something two due with the balance of play ments? is she being maid a scape dog for the missing weapons of mashed deconstruction? is tom delay really an ass? eye mean assassin?

end what about barney? yes, barney, the "other" white house dog. the one the president described as "the son i never had." [note two self: bite yor tongue, woodman, this is a serious essay.] inn spite of spot's 14 years of devotion (that's 85 in dog years) she was always overshadowed buy the spoiled, egotistical end undisciplined barney. did barney institute a bit of the old family tradition of regime change? eye woodn't put it passed him buy a long snot.

whatever, yor jest knot going two tell me that the most powerful dog in the free world* jest suddenly goes... "to sleep!" first it was bambi's mother, then it was vince foster, end now spot. when will the violins stop? when?

------

* eye always wondered about this "free world" thing. is their actually a world where they charge admission?

    December 2, 2003

this is gonna cost someone an election

woody

the hoarer the hoarer the hoarer. eye'm at a lost four words. know waite. now eye have sum. butt still its a dark day friends. ewe sea, wee whir notified today that...

[disclaimer: wee due knot half pets, end wee half never had pets. neither me nor chigger. we find the practice of pets propellant. were dogs, knot barbarnians.]

...weed received an outstanding websight award four the month of december (dog months? humid months? eye doughnut no) by funny-pets.com.

bee fourwarned. this sight is knot four the faint of hearted, and indefinitely knot suitable for pups under the age of 14 (dog years). ewe mite czech out this sight four educational porpoises butt knot write after ewe've eaten.

let me get two the point. as mite bee obvious from the title -- funny pets -- this sight is offensive on too counts. first, it finds the practice of animal confinement without recourse two appropriate civil union guarantees (i.e., "pets") acceptable. end secondly, end most disturbingly, its full of pictures of dogs whereing clothes. its total porno. dogs our meant two bee naked. when ewe put clothes ore hats ore masks ore booties ore halloween costumes or those oh sew cute pom poms on a dog, its degrading and humiliating. eye think they should change the name of there web sight two "letslaughatdebasedandhumiliatedanimals beingkeptinforcedconfinementagainsttheirwill withleashesandfences.com".

ore maybe isle just start my own web sight devoted to humid beans who are being forced two bee housed and fed end taken care off against there will. end wheel make them where clothes end put pictures off it on the web sight. then wheel sea just how much they like it.

butt, their was won ray of sunshine in all this. buy visiting funny-pets.com eye learned about dog island. my tears well up even as eye think about it. sum how, sum day, eye two will live on dog island, free of awl this strum and drum. til then, send sausage.

p.s. - check out the empathy leash from dog island. wish ida thought of that. those folks will make a fortune if wee dogs can ever get hour paws on sum money.

    November 20, 2003

Trooper

chigger

trooper.jpg

Our tails are at half-mast today after receiving the most recent comment from Trooper. We wish him the best. Even 80 seems too young sometimes.

    July 12, 2003

braveheartworm

woody

schnort, schnort, schnort. eye want two pass on a bit of a cautionary tail as it has bean past on two me buy my good buddy marc over at quitthat.com. it seams that their was this dog in west virginia that got in sum kind of accident end than went and chequed himself into the hospital. this is supposed two bee a hart-warming feel-good story, end perhaps it is.

butt once yor dun with awl the crying, lettuce take a look at what this story reely tells us. it tells us that if that black lab had been restrained by a leash, ore locked inside a house ore a fenced-in yard, end knot able two go two the hospital, he'd bee dead write now.

deceased.

expired.

life-challenged.

compost, as it whir.

it wood bee an ex-dog.

end yet, sew many well-meaning dog roommates think that their supposed two restrain there dog. well, eye'm hear two tell ewe that ewe our knot supposed two restrain yor dog. never. ever. knot if ewe care. two survive, dogs kneed two run free. in the streets. in the buildings. in the fields. in the living rooms. in the flour gardens. everywear. awl the weigh two the hospital if necessary. otherwise, wheel dye. wee kneed hour FREEDOM!

as near as eye ken tell, their's only won dog in this entire world that gets the kind of respect a dog deserves.

pee s. - marc also calls attention two my favorite leisure thyme activity short of squirrel fishing -- cat fishing, witch of coarse eye predicted.

    July 5, 2003

Post-significant signage

chigger

Well, I'm back from summer camp and sucking up all the air-conditioning I can get up my nose. I was at Camp Derryduh doing some post-doc research in semiotics, a recent hobby of mine. For those of you who are unfamiliar with semiotics, it's the study of signs and symbols and signal fires and artificial constructs, etc.

Some of my friends think that studying semiotics is dumb, but it's not, it's just French. Granted, the word itself comes to us as a bastardization of the phrase "semi-neurotic," and originally referred to ideas that were halfway stupid, but we're well past the time when there was anything halfway about it.

Grrrrr, bark, wolfWhat I've been concentrating on is trying to figure out what signs about dogs really signify. For instance, here's a sign I found posted on craphound.com (apparently not a real dog) that I've been analyzing. (click image for larger original site version.) As near as I can tell, this sign is a funny jab at women, who are more used to being told "Attention Wives: Pick up after your husbands. Thank you." Of course dogs don't leave their underwear and beer cans laying around, so the tongue-in-cheek humor is immediately evident. But I'm not interested in the human humor. Rather, I'm concerned about the second part of the sign that starts "Attention Dogs�"

Trying to figure out what this sign signifies is problematic on several levels. You know how Japanese children like to run around with t-shirts that have English phrases on them? And you laugh at how ridiculous it is? Stuff like "I love your happy watermelon" or "My homework went to the bathroom and all I got was this stupid t-shirt." But they don't know what it says. They just think it's amusing to be wearing something with English on it.

And the same thing happens with English-speaking athletes walking around with Asian character tattoos that look cool but actually say something like "My mom's hairdresser is in the very orange refrigerator."

So, I have to assume that whoever it was in the North Vancouver district who made this sign didn't actually speak dog and didn't realize that when dogs see "Grrrrr, bark, woof" it means "Did any of your father's bear turds lose this weird collar?"

Woody is of the opinion that there's a typo in this sign and what the human meant to say was "Grrr, bark, wolf" which, of course, means "Next rest stop, 23 miles, so you better go now." Possible, I guess, but if they're not willing to hire a dog proofreader, then they deserve to be ridiculed.

Anyway, if you, like me, are a big fan of semiotics, then you might be interested in my Master's Thesis: "The Semiotics of French Dog Signs" even if it is a bit technical for the casual reader.

    May 10, 2003

That's MS. Bitch to You

chigger

With all due respect to my blogmate, Woody and his last post, you'd think that a neutered 47-and-a-half-dog-year-old dog might have learned just the teeny tiniest bit of respect for the gender of his mother and his 47 sisters. (Or for that matter, me.) Do you realize how de-caninizing it is for a bitch to be objectified like that? Take another look at Sweet Pea. Does she look happy? No. She looks terrified. That's an "I've got something weird stuck on my head, the lights are blinding, there's a thousand strangers staring at me, this collar is strangling me, I've got to take a shit and what's that strange smell" look if I ever saw one. And I haven't even mentioned the stupid evening gown competition. I just wish the Fox network would stop objectifying bitches and portray them with the same respect and dignity they reserve for human women.

    May 9, 2003

ooo-wee doggy

woody

oow, oow, ooooooowwwwww! ooo sweet pea, come on and dance with me!!!! did ewe see that "miss dog beauty pageant" last knight on fox? eye'm telling ewe the dog network no's how two dew it write. what a bunch of foxes! and sweet pea, the winner, well that bitch can hose down my kennel any time. yeah, she can brush my tale. eye'd let her open my cans. ewe bet. she could sure trim my nails. u-huh. she can give me my rabies shots. know weight. eye take that last won back. eye hate rabies shots.


msdogtv.jpg

    April 11, 2003

from the ex-philes

woody

ark ark ark. their are living breathing mammals out their who sum times axe me "woody, why don't dogs climb trees?" they point out that us dogs often chase things two a tree, but never follow them things up a tree.

now isle grant ewe that year typical cat wood chase a rodent write up a tree, ore even a telephone poll. yes, they wood follow pray write up the tree, wear as a dog wood stop at the bottom of the tree and resort two looking up with the evil stare and barking out curses like "ewe come down write now ore isle pee on year sister's favorite mating spot."

my good friend barry suggests that this is because dogs kant actually climb trees, two witch eye say, phooey. dogs could climb trees if they wanted two. fact of the matter is that this is just another example of wear dogs are smarter than cats. dogs could climb if it maid cents, but hay. hear's what happens to animals who aren't as smart as dogs.

and their are those out their who think eye make this stuff up.

    March 30, 2003

thelma & louise got nothing on my pal money

woody

when eye say "make love, knot war," some reeders think that's a pacifist view of life. well, eye beg two differ. ewe just don't no what kind of excruciating effort a dog goes threw trying two meat and greet the write partner out there. (ore, as wee like two say, "get over the hump.") hear's a short peace about "money," a dog who gave his all four love and lived two try again sum day. he's certainly my newest hero.

and while eye'm at it, don't tell stump and tweet about this, butt my position is pretty ambivalent about this story. eye guess it's a dog thing.

and finally, humid beans are always wondering why us dogs are always digging wholes in there yards. well, if ewe'd just let us finish, like this guy did, ewe'd find out.

    March 13, 2003

The Dogs of War

chigger

For some reason I've been hearing the phrase "dogs of war" a lot lately. Given the context, this has both confused me and inspired me to investigate. The phrase seems to be a rallying cry for humans looking for moral support as they prepare for a preemptive war. The very thought makes me laugh. (Well, not really laugh. You know how a dog's mouth can seem to curl up into sort of a smile sometimes? Well that's me right now.)

What I'm imagining is two dog armies going to war. First they'd run up to each other for some sniff butt, then they'd have a pissing contest, then the loser would roll over on his back to expose his genitals, and finally they'd all go off looking for some fresh cat poop for lunch. It's all very scatological. That doesn't quite seem to be what humans mean when they say "dogs of war." (Nor, for that matter, is it covered by the Geneva Convention.)

I did manage to track down the origin of the phrase. In its more complete form the phrase is "Cry 'Havoc!' and let slip the dogs of war" and was written by a guy named Bill Shakespeare. He is apparently a Hollywood screenwriter who cranks out starring vehicles for the likes of Mel Gibson, Leonardo DiCaprio and Keanu Reeves.

I guess it's pretty obvious that this Shakespeare hack doesn't know squat about dogs, or even animals in general. Sure dogs will fight to protect their young, but what animal wouldn't? If that justified the phrase, then he could just as easily invoke the "hamsters of war" or the "chickadees of war." Why just demonize dogs for being good parents?

The fact is, dogs only get war-like when they're subjected to intense behavior modification by humans. And even those dogs only attack in response to aggression. As far as I know, the only time a dog will actually initiate a preemptive attack along the lines of what humans are planning these days is when the dog has rabies. And you all know what we do to rabid dogs.

    January 29, 2003

Property is Theft

chigger

You know, sometimes I give humans a lot of grief, but the one thing I really admire about them is that they're neither greedy nor materialistic. For instance, when a human finds a really well-aged piece of raw meat, the kind of meat that makes you drool so heavy they measure it in gallons-per-minute. I mean a piece of meat so luscious you have to beat the flies off with a stick, with an aroma so fragrant that even from 100 feet away you have to take deep breaths to keep from swooning. Yes, I'm talking meat as good as it gets, and yet humans never even take a bite. Instead they share the whole thing amongst their animal friends.

Then there's Woody. Given the same opportunity, he'd suck that whole piece of meat down faster than a scared squirrel with bad gas and a tail on fire.

And the greed doesn't stop there. Woody has to have EVERYTHING. If it's bigger than a dog tag, he's gonna claim it and pee on it. He just spends all day pee-ing on things. "That's mine, and that's mine, and that's mine," he's saying. "This tree over here is mine, and this shrub is mine, and this fence is mine, and this hubcap is mine and this stick is mine and this rock is mine." Pu-leeese.

Compare that to human behavior. Humans don't seem to need to own hardly anything. Humans keep life simple. Granted, they all seem obsessed with laying claim to the big white drinking bowl in the bathroom, but other than that you only see occasional displays of materialism, and that's usually way out in the country where nobody else cares.

So what's all this got to do with us not posting for a couple of weeks? Well, it's like this. A while back I was working on a post about training humans to leave the refrigerator door open when Woody comes by and wants to post something about squirrel porno. I say, "As soon as I'm done, Woody," but Woody, being Woody, lifts his leg and says "No now. This is MY powerbook." And, well, he shorted out the monitor and fried the keyboard and it's taken two weeks to get it back from the shop.

    November 7, 2002

squirrel terror reducks

woody

one one one once again deer friends, the words "squirrel" and "terror" half ended up inn the same headline. this thyme it's in the british aisles, witch really pisses off spot the senior white house dog. now she's calling grate britton "a haven four terrorists." hum. dew eye smell another bout of "nation building" coming on? weeee doggies! time four awl ewe pass-a-fist draft-age puppies to head four the border!

    October 31, 2002

man bites dog, dog shoots back

woody

yep yep yep hear's the deal. eye myself personally have never found a kneed four guns and explosives and that sort of thing. they've always been more of a "people thang." eye basically attribute the existence of guns to the fact that anything as slow and dim as humans could only evolve with the aid of something like a gun ore they wood have starved to death long ago. every scene won of them trying to catch a chicken? of course if eye was human i'd want something that was a bit moor accurate than a gun, given all the collateral damage that results from humans in search of food, but, hay, if the n-r-a says they kneed guns and bombs and biological weapons for hunting, they no best.

now if they could just get smart enough to stop hunting in schools, mauls, gas stations and foreign countries they'd probably bee better off. this crude behavior has inspired a couple of dogs to use a bit of tough love with their humans with impressive results. first there's this english setter who took a shot at educating, which eye thought was pretty cool, but there's nothing like a boxer that knows how two retrieve to really teach his human a lesson.

night of the living dog

woody

hear's a pitcher that's been showing up inn my email lately four sum reason. got this won from a friend of buster. eye can't imagine what kind of tragedy this pack of dogs must have lived through to find themselves in such a pathetic weigh -- hiding there identities, going door-to-door with large vegetables inn there mouths. if this isn't an argument four welfare reform, eye don't no what is.

halloweendogs.jpg

    October 17, 2002

calc you later, alligator

woody

sew get this. hear's a couple of scientists who will probably get a no bells prize or something because they can prove that dogs know how to count. well duh. of course we can count. how dew ewe think we no when it's time to eat? after all, you won't let us carry watches. so as soon as eye finish a meal i have to start counting the seconds: one mississippi one mississippi one mississippi one mississippi, etc. and when eye finally get to one, well, then i know it's time to eat again.

    October 4, 2002

DOTUS 2

chigger

We heard from Spot the White House Dog again recently. She was claiming that K-9 intelligence had reason to believe that a deer cell in our area was developing weapons of mass destruction and she declared a Code Fuchsia alert. (Like color-coding means a thing to a dog.) My response was "Well, doh." Deer ARE a weapon of mass destruction. They'll eat the wings off your fleas if you let 'em. Anyway, after a long and sometimes heated debate, Woody and I voted not to grant Spot permission to initiate pre-emptive strikes. The last time we tolerated pre-emptive strikes around here our friend Buster tried to kill all our ducks. He said they were planning to invade the garden. Yeah, right.

Those White House dogs can TRY to scare me, but I know that in reality its all about controlling the global market for crude protein. Whoever controls crude protein controls the price of dry dog food. And whoever controls the price of dry dog food... Well... Enough said.

    September 20, 2002

DOTUS

chigger

In his post earlier this week Woody noted the terrorist attack on the White House lawn. In response to his post, we received the following statement from Spot, the senior White House dog.

For Immediate Release The White House Office of the Dog Secretary

Statement by the Presidential Dog:

Last week our way of life, our very freedom came under attack by squirrels in a deliberate and deadly terrorist act. The victim, a century-old yellow buckeye tree on the White House lawn, has been lost forever. This tree stood as a symbol of all we hold dear, and I myself have expressed on the subject many times.

In this act we saw evil, the very worst of squirrel nature. An attack in the front yard of our country's alpha dog that was intended to frighten us into chaos and retreat. But they have failed; we are strong.

The search is underway for those who are behind these evil acts. Barney, my pack mate, and I have directed our full resources to finding those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the squirrels who committed these acts and those who harbor them.

These squirrels are only one species in the axis of evil that also includes ground squirrels, red squirrels, grey squirrels, fox squirrels and bunnies. This is a conflict without battlefields or beachheads, a conflict with opponents who believe they are invisible.�Yet, they are mistaken.�They will be exposed, and they will discover what others in the past have learned:��Those who make war against dogs have chosen their own destruction.�

As my human so eloquently noted last week in Nashville: "Fool me once, shame on � uh � shame on you. Fool me � fool me � uh � you see � you can't get fooled again." Of course I'm just a dog, so I don't really know what that means, but I'm impressed at how he segued deftly from a potential malapropism into the lyrics from a Who song in mid-sentence. It's that kind of mental acuity that should have squirrels everywhere quaking in their � uh � whatever they wear on their feet.

Sincerely,
Spot
spot@whitehouse.gov

Now it needs to be pointed out that Spot is the daughter of Millie, Presidential Dog during the first Bush caretaker administration, and was born in the White House. In fact, Spot is the first off-spring of a former Presidential Dog to ever also hold that post. I mention this because there are some pundits who believe that it was Millie's war against squirrels back in 1991 and her subsequent failure to totally eliminate the squirrel problem that has resulted in this current crisis. Others believe that Spot is mainly interested in using this as an excuse to avenge her mother and is totally ignoring diplomatic solutions. Squirrels respond angrily that Spot is "a rabid mongrel bitch bent on total lawn domination," but then we don't really care what squirrels think, do we?

    August 19, 2002

all dogs go to heaven

woody

"heaven goes by favor. if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." �samuel clemens / mark twain

cnndog.jpg

    July 28, 2002

Prejudice Online

chigger

I had the privilege of sitting through one of the top ten movies of all time yesterday: Hooch & Turner (although I fear my dyslexia is returning, since everywhere I look, it's listed as "Turner & Hooch"). What makes me bring that up is that while I was watching I logged onto the Internet Movie Database and discovered that there's absolutely no mention of Beasley, the actor who stole the movie in the role of Hooch. Beasley plays opposite the whiny, mugging Tom Hanks, best known for playing a supporting role to a fish named Daryl Hannah in "Splash" and to a soccer ball named Wilson in "Cast Away." And yet he's credited right at the top with no mention of Beasley anywhere. IMDB lets you know that Ted H. Hauser was the "assistant camera second unit" and even that Gary Wasserman was uncredited as "assistant to director," but Beasley... nada.

Just watch the stakeout scene where Hooch keeps watch in the front seat of the car while Turner dozes in the back. You'll realize that Beasley CARRIED Tom Hanks. Marlon Brando might be able to do the sloppy face-licking and the drooling close-ups, but nobody cried when HE died at the end of Apocalypse Now. And Tom Green might be able to eat cat turds and lick his genitals but not even hyenas think he's funny.

So tell me how they could fail to credit the star and one of the great performances in film history? Does it have something to do with the fact that Beasley's a dog, and Tom Hanks, Ted Hauser and Gary Wasserman are people? And that the IMDB is run by people? See a pattern here? Do I need to use the "d" word and play the species card? I hope not.