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January 2008 Archives

January 2, 2008

gerretYou lookin' at me?

by Gerret, file under: About Me

gerret in the slammer

Okay, I'm not gonna lie to y'all. Yes, I spent some time in the county lockup. I ain't proud of it, but I ain't gonna pretend it didn't happen. Why? If you read the files it says I was caught wandering down the highway without a license. You can believe that if you want. I got nuttin' to say on the subject. That was then. This is now.

Stump and Tweet showed up and bailed me out back around Christmas. They cool. So here I am. Everyone asks, "What are you, anyway?" like it's any of their beeswax. I'm one hundred percent dog. Deal with it. When you're in the slammer the fact that you're a registered purebred TerrShepPitBaDoodle... well, let's just say you don't brag about it.

What else is there to tell you. I'm about eight years old in dog years. The brain trust around here has decided that I was born on the 4th of July. Whatever. It was supposedly a famous date for something, but from now on, it's gonna be the day the Gerret was born. Just remember to send presents.

January 10, 2008

gerretChigger

by Gerret, file under: My Pack

chigger barking

Okay, I got this place figured out. The chickens and ducks run at the sight of me, and Sophie the cat has permanently barricaded herself in the bedroom. The only thing that stands between me and total domination is Chigger.

Chigger is my step-sister. She's a sheep herder from some place called Australia. She's really really old. At least 500 years old, and that's not even dog years. All she does is complain about her lumbago, talk about "back in day," and bark at me like a Marine drill instructor: "Don't do that. And don't do that. And don't do that either, meathead."

She's just totally out-of-touch with my generation. She don't tug, she don't fetch, she don't sleep in a crate. Heck, she don't even have any toys. I'm new school, she's ancient school. I try to get her to tussle, but no. She thinks that because she was some sort of pioneer dog blogger that I should just shut up and listen. Ain't gonna happen. I'm the Gerret.

January 12, 2008

gerretChigger, Part 2

by Gerret, file under: My Pack

See what I'm dealing with here?


January 15, 2008

gerretChigger Redux

by Gerret, file under: My Pack | My Spear of Influence

chigger and gerret in the woods

So maybe I'm being too harsh on Chigger. She's probably never going to be any fun, but she ain't disrespecting me either. Apparently there was a dog named Woody used to roam these parts and Chigger keeps telling me I got some big-ass paw prints to fill.

chiggergerretmail.jpg

So when she's feeling up to it, she takes me around to various places around the farm and in the woods and says, "here's another thing you need to know." It's always a great tree hollow, or an animal crossroads that's needs marking or a territory boundary.

chiggergerretmail1.jpg

I'm tellin' ya, when I start lifting my leg to pee, I'm gonna have a lot of work to do.

gerret2800.jpg

One thing I'm learning is that it's a whole lot easier to tell where you are by smellin' than it is to figure out what these roadside numbers mean.

plasticswan.jpg

Oh, and another thing. Did you know that a plastic duck doesn't fart? Really. I checked it out.

January 23, 2008

gerretSquirrel Hurlin'

by Gerret, file under: Shameless Commerce

gerret with hurl-a-squirrel

So I'm working today. Doing some product testing and research. The object of my research is this Hurl-A-Squirrel toy.

blue collar

First, let me note that my first frisbee-like throw toy lasted about five minutes. Then the center tore out. I still gave it a one-gerret rating instead of a zero because I looked pretty good wearing it around. Sort of a "blue collar" look which suits me fine.

But the Hurl-A-Squirrel, now that's a different story. For starters, it's three toys in one: a throw toy, a tug toy and a try-to-tear-it-to-shreds toy. As regards the last part, I've been trying my darnest with no luck. Haven't even made a dent. And of course I didn't even mentioned the fact that it's modeled after a squirrel! (Although it's a lot tougher than the squirrels around here. They all quake at the mere mention of my name!)

Here's some video of me in the laboratory:

So I'm giving the hurl-a-squirrel five gerrets and declaring it my "favorite toy of the day."

Hurl-A-Squirrel: 5 Gerrets

January 26, 2008

gerretI Lost My Buddy

by Gerret, file under: My Pack

buddy

So not counting family, I've made one good friend so far. His name is Buddy. I visit him, he visits me. He's really old, older than Chigger. But he still loves to play and play and play. He be wearing out the Gerret! I'm telling ya. He's so cool. And now, all of a sudden, today they tell me he's gone. I don't get it. He was a good dog. Hey Buddy, wherever you are, I want to play some more. I miss you.

January 27, 2008

gerretThe Dubya Doll

dubya doll

So I'm back in the lab today, testing another toy. This time it's a George Dubya doll toy. Initially I called it a George Dubya action figure, but Stump took away my food bowl so "doll toy" it is. What exactly is it? Well, like the hurl-a-squirrel, you can throw it, you can tug it, or you can try to tear it to shreds, but it's highest and best use is trying to tear it to shreds. Plus it SQUEAKS!

Dubya doll

I am curious about what a "dubya" really is. Stump muttered something about "wurst precedent in the history of the knighted staids" but Chigger warned me that that was just a ruse. She said "dubya" is actually a code word that Stump and Tweet use in place of "walk" when they don't want us to know what they're talking about. What that has to do with a doll, I don't know. Did I mention it SQUEAKS!

I also don't know what "voodoo" means but Stump cheers and brings that up whenever I make the Dubya doll squeak. Go figure. Only problem with this toy is that Stump seems to want to get rid of it. He keeps saying he can't stand another year of it. But trust me, if I haven't shredded, buried or lost this doll in a year, then I'm not doing my job. And the Gerret always does his job.

Anyway, I'm giving the Dubya Doll three-and-half gerrets. It seems to be oblivious to all the abuse it inspires, and it makes Stump laugh. Plus it SQUEAKS!

Dubya Doll: 3-and-a-half Gerrets

January 30, 2008

gerretDucks on Ice

by Gerret, file under: Major Motion Pictures | My Creative Side

So I have just finished my first major motion picture. I call it "Ducks on Ice." It was originally intended to be a contemporary updating of Eldridge Clever's famous book "Soul on Ice," but when production costs started soaring my backers strongly suggested that we change it from a nonfiction narrative to a fiction narrative, and that we set it in a country pond instead of the city, and that we make the main characters ducks. After extensive re-writes what I ended up with can best be described as "Soul on Ice" meets "The Golden Compass."

Clocking in at a hefty one minute and two seconds, "Ducks on Ice" tells the story of a plucky band of ducks who must cross the frozen tundra in search of the golden corn. I play the evil but well-intentioned polar bear that protects the corn from all who would steal it. It's a bittersweet tale that ends with the ducks safe but kvetching, obviously leaving the door open for a sequel.

Enjoy!

About January 2008

This page contains all entries posted to Gerret Swirled in January 2008. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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