The crazed animal you see me with here is Lucas. He's one of my classmates in Bite Club and sometimes we hang out down at the dog park on the weekends. He's a bit younger than me, maybe a year or so in dog years. I mention that because last week it was my task to teach Lucas how to hump.
What is humping you say? Well, for starters it's a guy dog thing. Chigger claims that back before there were vets and humane societies, humping had a biological purpose, but these days it's used mainly for entertaining at people parties and, of course, for dog fraternity initiation ceremonies, which is where I'm going with this story.
It was only a few weeks ago that I myself met Elmer at the dog park. Elmer was a worldly sort who trotted over, sniffed my butt and said, "You new here?" When I conceded that "yes" this was my first visit, Elmer said, "okay, I got something to show you rookie." From that point on Elmer chased me relentlessly for the rest of the day, and every time he caught me, well, he just started humping me like, well, like whatever something that humps a lot humps like.
About the time this was getting really old, I realized that even though I was much younger than Elmer, I was bigger and stronger than he was, and with that realization and my newly learned skills I turned the tables on the dog. Elmer was soon humped into submission and the two of us retired to the water bowl for a drink.
"Nothing personal, kid," he said. "We all gotta go through it. One of these days we'll call your number and you gotta be ready to pass on the skills you learned here today."
Little did I know how soon that day would come. It was only a week later. I arrived at the dog park and greeted Elmer and the others. We ran and chased a bit, and then things got quiet. There was a new pup arriving. It was Lucas. Elmer called me over and said, "Gerret, this is the moment we've been preparing you for. Don't let us down."
I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, yesterday, when Lucas's people ran into my people they thanked them profusely for letting me teach Lucas how to hump and that because of that Lucas was now humping everything in their house all day long. It was a genuine feel-good moment for the Gerret.
Elmer, Lucas and me relaxing after a good hump.