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February 2008 Archives

February 1, 2008

gerretMy Lucky Deer Foot

by Gerret, file under: My Spear of Influence | Shameless Commerce

Gerret with deer foot

So, the Gerret has found his first lucky deer foot in the woods today! Sure beats chewing on a stick and it smells a lot better, too. It set me to wondering just where deer feet come from. Stump muttered something about "hunners" but I didn't quite get it because I don't always understand what he's talking about. Course it took him a while to get it when I would say, "I gotta to pee. NOW," but he's getting better. Now if I could just get my paws on one of those clicker things.

So I asked Chigger if deer feet come from hunners, cause she knows everything. She explained that "hunners" wasn't a thing, hunners was a season. And every winter there's a deer hunner season. That's the season when deer shed their feet and leave them laying around in the woods for dogs to find. Now I get it. (Chigger also said that deer feet weren't lucky, but I think I'll be the judge of that.)

Anyway, my lucky deer foot is a great chew toy, but I can only give it two gerrets out of five because as soon as you set it down and turn your back it disappears.

Lucky Deer Foot: 2 Gerrets

February 4, 2008

gerretOver the River and Through the Woods

by Gerret, file under: About Me

Vet visit

So Chigger warned me that this day was coming. She said, "If you are ever in the car and it crosses the river and turns left, then you might as well kiss your butt good-bye." And sure enough, like a regular fool today I hopped right in the car and away we went. Across the river and left. And there it was. The dog hospital.

Well, they put me up on a cold table and they poked and prodded and looked in my mouth and my ears and offered me some of the worst-tasting treats I've yet to come across. (Apparently they're supposed to be healthy, but if they're healthy, how can they call them treats?)

But I soon learned that everything up until that point was just a ruse; all the sweet talk, the petting, the complements.


Yep. Just when they've got me to thinking that maybe Chigger was making a mountain out of a molehill, this woman snuck up and stuck me with about a 3-inch long needle (I mean I'm a tough guy but that's about two feet in dog inches) that set me to howling and barking and sitting and standing and rolling over and jumping through hoops all at once. Dang that hurt.


And little did I know that we hadn't even gotten to the "kiss your butt good-bye" part yet. And no, I don't want to talk about it. And oh yeah, I give those stupid doctor dog treats one gerret.

Doctor Dog Treats: 1 Gerret

February 6, 2008

gerretBite Club

by Gerret, file under: My Pack | My Spear of Influence


Okay, today I'm going to take you behind the veil of a secret society that few readers have ever experienced. It's a place where you arrive a young, innocent pup, and leave a tough, grizzled canine. Stump and Tweet call it "Puppy Kindergarten." I call it "ultimate fast-and-furious full-contact no-holds barred paw-to-paw combat survival training," or "bite club" for short. (Yes, I know the first rule of bite club is you do not talk about bite club, but someone's got to step up and stop the madness, and it might as well be the Gerret.)

There's maybe ten of us at bite club. We try to socialize but we are all restrained with straps attached to our collars while people practice bizarre psychological and behavioral modifications on us with a combination of cheese, ham and an incessant clicking noise. Oh that clicking noise. But finally, when we've all been brought to a state of extreme agitation, the restraints come off and it's every puppy for him or herself. Here's my recollections.

I head for the middle of the room but without warning I'm blind-sided by NIkita who bangs into my side and licks my mouth. I turn to retaliate but before I can lick him back he bolts and I run in pursuit. Soon I'm joined by Lucy and Corbin. We chase furiously around and around the room. Then Nikita slips trying to make a hard right and we pounce. Corbin grabs a foot and Lucy sucks on an ear, while I sniff Nikita's butt. He wacks my nose with a hind leg. I rear up and pounce on top of the pile using a move I saw on WWF the other night. I think I'm in control but then the pile moves and I find myself on my back with Nikita drooling saliva down my steaming nostrils. The other puppies, sensing my helplessness, all pile on. I gasp for air. The room starts spinning. The sound of barking become distant. I feel a wet tongue on my cheek but I'm powerless to stop it. I see a long tunnel with a light at the end.

Then, suddenly I hear a voice in the distance saying "okay." The barking quiets and the action in the room stops. We all get up and return to our respective areas and sit. They feed us more cheese and ham. I catch my breath and think to myself, "I survived! The Gerret survived!" but my joy is tempered by a deeper and more ominous thought: "There's still seven more weeks of this."


Corbin and Lucy hold down Nikita while Royal and I and others look for a soft place to pile on.

February 13, 2008

gerretFlying Calf

by Gerret, file under: Shameless Commerce

Me with Flying Calf

Okay, I'm back in the lab with Chigger, who's here as an observer. Today I'm testing the Flying Calf, another sort of throwing toy. That's it in the picture at my feet. The first thing I need to point out is that it doesn't look anything like a calf unless there's a calf out there somewhere that's round and flat with a red rim. I'm guessing that they were making something they were going to call a "flying moon" or whatever when someone at the factory spilled some black paint and they said "oh no, what are we going to do now?" and someone else said, "let's just call it a flying calf." Oh well.

The other bad thing about the Flying Calf is that they claim it will float. Now that's just putting stupid ideas in Stump's head. He'd better hope the ducks can fetch 'cause it ain't gonna be the Gerret's problem if it goes in the pond.

Anyway, here's a video of my first test...

You'll notice the Flying Cow's toughness, and the way it inspires me to jump and the way I can slide it across the ground with my nose and the way it handles the classic rough-shake-side-to-side maneuver. Plus it flies further than the Hurl-a-Squirrel and is a bit more my size.

But what I discovered is that the real strength of the Flying Calf is that makes amazing acrobatic tricks possible. Watch test number two.

Okay, did you catch that sequence in the middle? The one where I spin 180 degrees and then flip the Flying Cow over my head toward my tail, then spin around another 180 degrees, pick up the Flying Calf, make a leaping pirouette back to face the camera, and then for a finale, I toss the Flying Calf high in the air, where it makes two full rotations and then I catch it again in my mouth while at a full run? No? Here's that sequence again in slow motion:

I'm telling you, it just doesn't get any better than that. I'm thinkin' Beijing, Gold Medal, the Gerret. I just gotta give the Flying Calf five Gerrets and name it my "favorite toy of the day."

Flying Calf: 5 Gerrets

February 17, 2008

gerretGetting Over the Hump

by Gerret, file under: My Pack | My Spear of Influence


The crazed animal you see me with here is Lucas. He's one of my classmates in Bite Club and sometimes we hang out down at the dog park on the weekends. He's a bit younger than me, maybe a year or so in dog years. I mention that because last week it was my task to teach Lucas how to hump.

What is humping you say? Well, for starters it's a guy dog thing. Chigger claims that back before there were vets and humane societies, humping had a biological purpose, but these days it's used mainly for entertaining at people parties and, of course, for dog fraternity initiation ceremonies, which is where I'm going with this story.

It was only a few weeks ago that I myself met Elmer at the dog park. Elmer was a worldly sort who trotted over, sniffed my butt and said, "You new here?" When I conceded that "yes" this was my first visit, Elmer said, "okay, I got something to show you rookie." From that point on Elmer chased me relentlessly for the rest of the day, and every time he caught me, well, he just started humping me like, well, like whatever something that humps a lot humps like.

About the time this was getting really old, I realized that even though I was much younger than Elmer, I was bigger and stronger than he was, and with that realization and my newly learned skills I turned the tables on the dog. Elmer was soon humped into submission and the two of us retired to the water bowl for a drink.

"Nothing personal, kid," he said. "We all gotta go through it. One of these days we'll call your number and you gotta be ready to pass on the skills you learned here today."

Little did I know how soon that day would come. It was only a week later. I arrived at the dog park and greeted Elmer and the others. We ran and chased a bit, and then things got quiet. There was a new pup arriving. It was Lucas. Elmer called me over and said, "Gerret, this is the moment we've been preparing you for. Don't let us down."

The Hump

I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, yesterday, when Lucas's people ran into my people they thanked them profusely for letting me teach Lucas how to hump and that because of that Lucas was now humping everything in their house all day long. It was a genuine feel-good moment for the Gerret.


Elmer, Lucas and me relaxing after a good hump.

About February 2008

This page contains all entries posted to Gerret Swirled in February 2008. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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