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gerretBite Club

by Gerret, file under: My Pack | My Spear of Influence


Okay, today I'm going to take you behind the veil of a secret society that few readers have ever experienced. It's a place where you arrive a young, innocent pup, and leave a tough, grizzled canine. Stump and Tweet call it "Puppy Kindergarten." I call it "ultimate fast-and-furious full-contact no-holds barred paw-to-paw combat survival training," or "bite club" for short. (Yes, I know the first rule of bite club is you do not talk about bite club, but someone's got to step up and stop the madness, and it might as well be the Gerret.)

There's maybe ten of us at bite club. We try to socialize but we are all restrained with straps attached to our collars while people practice bizarre psychological and behavioral modifications on us with a combination of cheese, ham and an incessant clicking noise. Oh that clicking noise. But finally, when we've all been brought to a state of extreme agitation, the restraints come off and it's every puppy for him or herself. Here's my recollections.

I head for the middle of the room but without warning I'm blind-sided by NIkita who bangs into my side and licks my mouth. I turn to retaliate but before I can lick him back he bolts and I run in pursuit. Soon I'm joined by Lucy and Corbin. We chase furiously around and around the room. Then Nikita slips trying to make a hard right and we pounce. Corbin grabs a foot and Lucy sucks on an ear, while I sniff Nikita's butt. He wacks my nose with a hind leg. I rear up and pounce on top of the pile using a move I saw on WWF the other night. I think I'm in control but then the pile moves and I find myself on my back with Nikita drooling saliva down my steaming nostrils. The other puppies, sensing my helplessness, all pile on. I gasp for air. The room starts spinning. The sound of barking become distant. I feel a wet tongue on my cheek but I'm powerless to stop it. I see a long tunnel with a light at the end.

Then, suddenly I hear a voice in the distance saying "okay." The barking quiets and the action in the room stops. We all get up and return to our respective areas and sit. They feed us more cheese and ham. I catch my breath and think to myself, "I survived! The Gerret survived!" but my joy is tempered by a deeper and more ominous thought: "There's still seven more weeks of this."


Corbin and Lucy hold down Nikita while Royal and I and others look for a soft place to pile on.

Comments (3)


All I can say is with the advent this horrible canine, my life is over. I have to spend about 20 hours a day lying on a bed in the back bedroom. Stump and Tweet used to LIKE cats.



I had no idea K'garten was like that. Don't you even think about pulling those stunts on me when I come visit!



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