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June 2008 Archives

June 2, 2008

gerretLassie Come Home


Hey The Gerret wants to give a shout-out to my new friend here. He showed up in the ditch last week. A pup of maybe 12 weeks. He was a collegial dude with a cool attitude, but he had some problems. For starters he was trying to feed half the world's tick population all by himself, and his ribs were sticking so far out they needed to be pushed back in, and there was a lot a places where he needed new hair glued onto his body, and then there was that nasty discharge. It's hard to come up with that many problems in twelve weeks.

We'all figured he must have either been badly abused and abandoned by some a-hole (Chigger's and my personal opinion), or he'd gone on a hunger strike to protest the demeaning image of the drug-addled dog stereotype portrayed in Internet TV series such as Wilfred. (Maggie's opinion. Hey, she's just a puppy.)

Anyway, we tried to keep him around, but after a couple of days it was obvious that he needed more skills than we had to offer. So I says to him. The heck with pack etiquette. Give it to me straight. What do you need? Here's what he said. Cool? I swear he sounded just like Mick Jagger.

So we took him to the shelter where he could get proper medical attention. The sad part is that there's gonna be more like him before this war is over. We miss him. We're hoping he recovers and we're thinking we might see him again back here at the farm if everything works out. We named him Lassie. It just seemed right.

June 4, 2008

gerretLassie we hardly knew ya

The Snarling Gerret

The Gerret is a bit out of sorts today. I just learned that Lassie, whom I had just written about in my last post, will not be coming home. He apparently was not able to overcome the conditions of his abuse. Am I surprised? I guess not. Disappointed? Certainly. What's really gnawing at me is that Stump keeps trying to convince me that I shouldn't growl at or bite humans, and I'm like "why the heck not?"

On a more positive note, the word out there on the dog-cosmic-consciousness street (Yes, we do communicate telepathically and you don't. It's because we have tails that act as antennas for sending and receiving signals, but that's a science lecture for another time.) is that Lassie is due back soon. Below I've downloaded images from the dog-cosmic-consciousness wiki that show Lassie's previous life, his current life, and his next life. Looks like he'll be kickin' ass and takin' names real soon. I wouldn't want to be the dude that left that dog in the ditch.


June 5, 2008

gerretIs that a swash in your buckle?

by Gerret, file under: My Creative Side

Gerret Vision

I'm telling you, The Gerret has been working like a dog. I tried explaining to Stump and Tweet when I first got here that I was NOT a working breed kind of dog. I tried to let them know that as a result of many generations of selective breeding and a brief affair my great-great-grandmother had with some fox from the low country, I am much more genetically predisposed in the direction of a devil-may-care swashbuckler sort of breed -- fearless, romantic and adventurous with a predilection for fast car rides, roughhouse dog parks and rewards-based training using high-value treats.

Yes, The Gerret loves to swash and the The Gerret loves to buckle. But their comprehension is SOOO limited. They tell me "Don't pull on the leash, Gerret." And I'm like, Huh? What? Did I hear you right? "Don't pull on the leash?" Well "Don't pull on the leash" my butt. If you had half a brain you'd know that YOU'RE the ones who aren't supposed to be pulling on the leash. I mean if you're going to strap yourself to The Gerret, you're making an iron-clad commitment to getting some serious exercise. But they just stare at me blankly.

I read a story on the Internet about a dog who had a human with a vocabulary of over 100 words. I think it's apocryphal, or a parlor trick at best. As a species they just haven't been domesticated long enough. All day I'm trying to communicate "dangerous," "exotic" and "juicy red meat" and their response is "sit," "stay" and "have another bowl of this dry-ass kibble." Sigh.

What evah.

So anyway, sooner or later I got to talk about work or I don't get fed. So here goes. I've been working on this new series called "For Dogs on a Budget." The premise is that even if a dog can't afford all the fancy toys and chews they sell on the Internet, he can still manage to have a decent life with a little creativity. Not as good a life as dogs who can afford all the fancy toys and chews they sell on the Internet, but hey, we can't all have blogs that generate thousands of paypals in advertising revenue.

My first how-to video in this series is called, "For Dogs on a Budget: How to Turn a Food Bowl Into a Dog Toy." Enjoy.

I kinda liked that food bowl. I think it's worth about two-and-a-half Gerrets. More if it starts out full of food.

Food bowl as toy: 2.5 Gerrets

June 8, 2008

gerretDoggle Goggles Boggle Noggin

by Gerret, file under: My Creative Side | Shameless Commerce


Okay! Today The Gerret has managed to incorporate a bit of the ol' swash-n-buckle into my work regime. Part protective eye-wear, part daredevil thrill-seeking fashion statement, this rebel-with-claws is sporting a pair of Racing Flames Doggles.

I'm not sure what's left to say now that you've seen the picture. Tweet thinks the goggles makes me look all Steampunk, while Stump thinks it's more of a Cybergoth look. They're both wrong. Doggles are de rigueur for those of us who are down with the cybersteamed hot dawg look.

Yes, they protect my eyes from UV radiation and wind. But who cares about that? It's those damn bugs that get in your eyes when you've got your head out the window of the car that really get on my nerves. The Gerret will be doing it all cool and collected like, scoping the babes with the pink collars as they walk along side the road, barking most ferociously at anything else that moves. Then a bug gets in my eye just when I'm passing by Suzi the Wonder Dog. The Gerret'll be like all tearing up and my eye's bloodshot from poking at it with my claws and I'm whining like a little puppy and it's just an all-in-all bad situation when I'm trying to make a good impression. I'm telling ya.

And not only do Doggles eliminate the embarrassment of chronic bug-eye, but they generate a bit of the old je na sais quoi with the dames as well.

For instance, look at this photo of me and Maggie:


Now who looks cooler in this picture? Well, yes, the dog with the shorter fur, but that's not my point. Oh never mind.

I guess it's time for a break while you look at my demonstration video:

Finally, I'll leave you with some pics from my fashion shoot. Click on each image for more drama. Note the flames detail in picture three.

gerretglass1.jpg gerretglass2.jpg gerretglass3.jpg

So even though there's only one Gerret, and the world's a poorer place for that, I'm telling you that a pair of these Doggles will go a long way to making any dog more Gerret-like. So I just can't help but give these Racing Flame Doggles four-and-a-half Gerrets. I'd give 'em five if the shipping wasn't so expensive.

Racing Flames Doggles: 4.5 Gerrets

June 14, 2008

gerretDog Park Literature

by Gerret, file under: My Creative Side | Shameless Commerce


You know sometimes, when I'm not out bucklin' my swash, maybe because it's raining or something, The Gerret engages in more literary pursuits such as playing charades with Stump and Tweet:

"Two words.

"First word, first syllable: [I move my paw in circles to indicate 'stir']

"First word, second syllable: [I gesture toward toward the area between my ribs and my hips to indicate 'loin']

"Second word: [I run outside, grab a stick and bring it back in the house. I pretend to pound it into the floor to indicate 'stake'].

"Okay, now put it all together... 'stir'... 'loin'... 'stake'...

"Come on come on come on. This is important. You can get it. I know you can...

"Noooo. The answer is not 'Old Roy's soy-based dry dog food.'


So when charades goes bad, I just settle in with a book. Yesterday I got a good one in the mail called Dog Park Diary: The Social Round of Goody Beagle as told to Kim Pearson. Now before you start thinking this is another one of The Gerret's light summer reading books, let me point out that this book has pictures AND words. And it's 58 pages long! That's more than 400 in dog pages, so you'll know when I tell you that this is some serious dog literature.

The book is an autobiographical telling of Goody Beagle's daily adventures at the dog park. Accompanied by her own photographer, Goody records the sometimes poignant, sometimes harrowing events she witnesses. The prose runs from warm-hearted praise to trenchant critique of the park's denizons as they run, fight, sniff and poop. Here's an excerpt:

"Crockett Mutt came to the Dog Park for the first time ever. Crockett had been abandoned by his old humans and had to live on the streets. Other dogs were mean to him and he didn't have enough to eat. This had a bad effect on his personality. He thinks everyone is out to get him."

Did I enjoy the book? Well yes. However, the more I read the more skeptical I became. I go to the dog park. Maybe not every day, but sometimes. And I've never seen Goody Beagle there, or any of the other dogs she mentions. I was starting to think that this was another one of those fake autobiographies where the author just makes everything up. How disappointing.

Then it hit me like a ton a bricks. What if there's ANOTHER dog park in the universe? Maybe Goody's dog park is in a parallel universe that's real but I just can't see it? Whoa. And what if there's more than two dog parks? What if there's thousands of parallel universes and every one of them has a dog park? And... and... and... I gotta quit now. My mind is exploding.

So obviously I have to give Dog Park Diary five Gerrets. In fact I might have to go out and start a cult based on this book. More than one dog park. I get chills just thinking about it.

Dog Park Diary: 5 Gerrets

June 26, 2008

maggieScooby dooby doo!


Hi! I'm Maggie!! You might have like heard of me from Gerret's earlier posts. I'm going to be guest-blogging on Gerret Swirled! Why? Only because I have The Gerret totally wrapped around my little dewclaw! He sooo wants me to be his girlfriend!!!

First things first! My BFs ask, "What's Gerret really like? He's so super cute!"

What a question! Well, he is a bit of a swash bungler...


...but he's also partially awesome in a totally awesome kind of way!!! Think Milo in The Mask when he had the mask on!!!


Don't even ask if we're sleeping together cuz, you know, that's not polite!! And don't look at this picture! (NSFW)

What about me? My birthday's around Valentine's Day, my favorite color is paisley, my favorite food is the stuff in Chigger's bowl, and when I grow up I want to be a miniature poodle!! I like to take pictures! I started puppy kindergarten school last week!! Barf!! (No, I don't mean school is bad barf, I mean I totally barf every time I go there in the car!) I think I'll major in literary criticism!! Just the parts that talk about dogs!!

This week I'm studying Canterbury Tails by Chaucer:

Ran Colle, oure dogge, and Talbot, and Gerland, And Malkyn with a dystaf in hir hand, Ran cow and calf, and eek the verray hogges, So were they fered for berkying of the dogges

"berkying of the dogges!!?!" Awesome, except what's with the spell-checker, Dude?

But since The Gerret can only like seem to write about himself, you know, what I'm going to do is grab a bit of blogtopia for the rest of us around this place!!! For instance, here's a very very very young guy we met yesterday when we were out walking!


He was only maybe like 10-15 hours old and that's in dog hours!! Sooo cool!!!


I named him Scooby Sinatra! It just seemed to fit!! Anyway, Scooby's mom was hanging around so after a short chat we left them to go do their deer thing! Maybe I'll IM him later!! But I gotta go!!!! Yours truly!!

About June 2008

This page contains all entries posted to Gerret Swirled in June 2008. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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