Hi! Maggie here again! Big big news!!! Tomorrow is Gerret's birthday! He's going to be 15!!! (That's one in two-legged years.) Totally awesome!! Is he excited?!! No, or so he says, but I'm like all "yeah I'm soooo sure!"
He's soooo cool!! He casually points out that his birthday is the ford of jewel eye, which has been declared a natural holly day!!! (Chigger just shakes her head when he says that. I guess she doesn't care much for trees.)
It's surprise party time!!!! Awesome! But I gotta go!!!! Yours truly!!
Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! I threw The Gerret an awesome surprise birthday par-tay today!!! Now he's sooooo old!!! Har!!
So I made like this totally awesome birthday cake!!! It was an organic sausage layer cake frosted with JIF peanut butter! It was sooooo cool!!
Here's Chigger being a butt and scarfing up some of Gerret's cake! She's like such a bee-atch! Oooh! Don't you dare tell her I said that! Nah, she's cool, she just thinks she knows more cuz she's older!
So here's the Gerret after partying all day!! Har!!! LMAO!!!
But I guess we must have made too much noise, cuz now the neighbors are all setting off big explosions!! It's sooo lame!! And like scary! Chigger says it happens every ford of jewel eye around here and it happens like every day in a rock!! Exposions in a rock? I'm so sure!! But I gotta go!!!! Yours truly!!
My apologies for the recent posts. Maggie's young and, well, young.
As for The Gerret? I've been thinking about all of you out there who've been asking, "Hey, Gerret, when are you going to make another major motion picture?"
Of course you're all remembering "Ducks on Ice" which garnered me the prestigious Golden Cat Turd award for best first movie by a dog of indeterminate breed at this spring's [Dog Food] Cans Film Festival.
Now, The Gerret is proud to announce, "Snake on a Plain." Part mocu-drama, part homage to low-budget horror movies, and part vanity production, SOAP stars The Gerret, along with Maggie, Chigger and Slim, who plays the snake. Some guy named Sam Jackson called and asked to be in the movie, but I took one look at "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith" and told him "not for all the burnt hot dogs in all the 7-11's in all the universe." I mean he's got a pretty face and all, but could you imagine him playing a dog? The guy can't act!
SOAP is epic in length, with a running time of nearly three minutes. It has been my intention to "keep it real," and so, in taking a page from the Mel Gibson school of filmmaking, I've done the entire film in the original dog and snake dialects. I hope you're able to translate, because some of Maggie's lines are just hilarious. And Chigger's "Snake, what snake? I don't see no snake," scene will probably garner her a nomination. Granted, Slim maybe overacted a bit, but it suited his character.
I'm afraid this is pretty much an adult film. I eschewed the obvious happy ending for gritty realism and conclusion without resolution. You'll note how the movie leaves the audience in an existential quandary as we see a close-up of Maggie's horrified face when she notices a rope on the ground and wonders, "is that a rope, or is it actually another snake?" It's a question that strikes deep to the psyche of every dog and I cannot promise you'll sleep well having seen "Snake on a Plain."
Hi! Maggie here again!! Things are just soooo busy around here!!!! I can't even keep up! Gosh it's been more than ten dog weeks since I wrote anything! Duh!!! You probably figured that out on your own!
But hey, we got new animals hanging around!!! It's soooo cool! That first picture, that's Slippers, she's a kitten, or maybe she's a he, what-evah!!! Slippers is awesome!!! Sooooo teeny-tiny! Slippers showed up on the road by our farm! She was with four brothers and sisters, but they wouldn't come and now we can't find them!!! Major bummer!! But Slippers loves it here!
But wait!!! That's not all! We also have Whinehouse visiting thanks to Gerret! Stump saw Whinehouse on the road twice but couldn't get anywhere near her, even though she didn't have any place else to go! But Gerret was along for the ride, so that after they got home the second time, Gerret ran off on his own, and a couple of hours later he returned with Whinehouse!!!! Totally awesome! My hero!!! (He's sooooo dreamy!)
Whinehouse is an older dog but a really really really tiny one! She's older than me but I could still play house with her as the baby! Har!!! And speaking of babies, Stump says that Whinehouse looks like she recently had some babies! But where are they? We looked and looked and looked but it seems that whoever brought Whinehouse out to the road didn't bring the baby puppies along!! Maybe that's why Whinehouse keeps going away and coming back! She's probly looking for her puppies!!! That's what I'd do! Awesome!!! But sad!
I call her Whinehouse because she stands outside and whines and then she sneaks through the dog door at night and sleeps in the house!!! She doesn't trust Stump and Tweet, so she hides during the day, but she comes back at night to eat and sleep!! Stump says she's probly a "puppy-mill dog" that's "outlived her usefulness" and "never been socialized with humans" whatever that means!! But we feed her and she's hanging around so maybe she'll be something else next!
I just don't know what it is with these humans around here!!! They take their cats and dogs out for a drive, let them out to run around, and then they forget to take them with them when they leave!!! Geez, it even happened to me!! I just hate it when that happens!! Bummer!
And speaking of bummers, that Slippers better watch herself or she's going to be sooooo sorry!! She's flirting with Gerret and that's just totally not awesome!!! He better get that dreamy look off his face or I'm going to have to kick his butt!! And I can! You believe it sistahs!!! But I gotta go!! Yours truly!!!
P.S. - I didn't even mention the awesome new chicks we have!!! Too late now!!! Later!!!
Well, it's been a long busy week here at Lake Whoabethegerret.
Whinehouse stuck around for a few more days since the last post then split. She was looking a lot better after a few good meals and sneaking in through the dog door to crash on the sofa at night. But she wasn't going to be tied down, no way no how. I'm not sure running off was the best choice for her, but I wish her well. Maybe she'll find her puppies.
On the other hand, Slippers, the kitten, looks like she's planning on staying. Actually, it turns out that Slippers is a boy so The Gerret is taking some heavy-duty grief from the fellas down at the dog park who saw this picture in the last post. How was I to know? Really?
In her last post Maggie did briefly mention the six new chicks that had just arrived. Well that's been a bit of drama in itself. About the middle of the week one of the chicks disappeared, and soon after another one. There was much speculation and innuendo around the place that yours truly and Maggie had something to do with said population decrease. Accusations were flying and the atmosphere was becoming very, how you say, acrimonious. Stump and Tweet tried to make us 'fess up but The Gerret don't cop to nothin'. But I think they were using the ol' water torture on Maggie. She was pretty much ready to turn state's evidence. She hates water.
So just when it looks like Maggie and I are going to have to change our names to Connie and Blyde and go on the lam, Stump goes out to the chicken coop and discovers that now there's only THREE chicks plus one REALLY FAT SNAKE.
All along it was SLIM! That connivin' varmint! You might remember Slim from his starring role in "Snake on a Plain." Now he's just another celebrity gone bad, driven to self-destruction by a habit he couldn't control. Stump captured him and drove him way into the woods and released him. The Gerret went along to yell at him and tell him to not come back. Is he dead? No. But his career is finished in this town.
Three chicks hanging out, doing nothing.
This was also graduation week over at K9 Prep & Neuter. Maggie finished up puppy kindergarten and Tweet said she did real good. But her final grade was a 4.0, which if that's in dog grades, is really really low.
The Gerret was doing post-dogtoral work in the three "R"s, which is a class called "Really Reliable Recall." The whole point of RRR is to train your human to carry lots of very high quality treats at all times or else you won't come when they call. I was skeptical, but by the end of the seven-week class Stump seemed to have the fancy treat thing down cold. Now I just have to keep working with him here at home so he doesn't start backsliding. Sometimes he'll call The Gerret and think he can get by with a "good dog" or a pat on the head when I show up. Sheesh. You can't let bad habits like that get started.
But it's not all fun-and-games around here. The Gerret still gotta go to work. (Funny. I never see the cats having to go to work around here. What's that about?)
So anyway, this week I finished editing my evaluation video for the second installment of "For Dogs on a Budget." This was shot a while ago but because of all the film festivals and legal stuff I'm only now free to release it here. You can learn more about the series in this earlier post. And yes, that's Maggie acting as my assistant.
So granted it's not colorful as most store-bought dog toys, but there's just as much plastic, so I'm given the water bottle four gerrets!
Water bottle as toy:
And that's it from Lake Whoabethegerret, where all the people are lazy, the cats are annoying, and The Gerret is waaaaaay above average.