Gerret Swirled

The Gerret hasn't been writing much lately. I been going through one of those existential dark-night-a-the-soul things. Been listening to a lot of Nietzsche, Camus, Sartre, Snoopy et al. on audio books. Not much help. With the exception of Snoopy they all seem more concerned with human existence, and we all know how that turns out.

I was thinking it might be my mid-life crisis, but Chigger just snorted and said, "Keep going on like that and it'll be an end-of-life crisis for your sorry butt. It ain't a mid-life crisis you little turd, it's about a sixteenth-of-a-life crisis and that don't count for nothing." Then she farted one of those really bad old-dog farts. Gross.

So okay, maybe I'm just having some teen angst. Or maybe it's heartworms. But hey, at least I used to get just a little respect around here.

I mean look at The Gerret in that photo at the top - happy, relaxed and way cooler than doofus Maggie sitting next to me. That was last summer, when I pwn'd Maggie and she was basically my size. I ran, she followed. I barked, she cowered. I barfed, she licked it up.

Now look at this picture from just recently. It's like the doofus has been on DGH or something. It's a freak show. It's just not natural how big she is.

[Maggie: "To paraphrase Norman Desmond, 'I AM big. It's The Gerret that got small.'"]

How can I tolerate this humiliation? She eats my lunch. She drinks my milkshake. She knocks me over in front of guests. (And she still licks up my barf.) I even heard Chigger refer to us "Kip and Lafawndah" the other day.

Kip and LaFawndah! I mean when did Chigger ever sit through Napoleon Dynamite? She's like 86 in dog years. She's blind in one eye, she don't hear so good and she let's those terrible old-dog farts. And she's disrespecting me with Napoleon Dynamite references? Next thing you know she'll be writing "all your base are belong to us" in the mashed potatoes. Sheesh.

To be continued

Okay, you see that dog? Not the one in the foreground, that's The Gerret. I mean the other one. In the movie. Up on the big screen. That's Marley, trying to teach his roommate how to go for a walk. Can the ridiculous get any more sublime? That dog is Marley and I'm here to tell you about him.

As you might surmise, today The Gerret is doing a review of the soon-to-be-released-on-DVD-internationally-acclaimed movie "Me and Marley," or, as it's referred to in various human venues, "Marley and Me."

Now why, you ask, would The Gerret be reviewing a soon-to-be-released-on-DVD movie? Simple. Some marketing dude named Scott sent me a free copy if I'd talk about it on my blog. I'm a dog. I'll do anything for a treat.

So here's the scoop. This movie deals with a dog named Marley, played as an adult by Clyde whom you might remember from his star turn as Fabian's dog in the 2002 TV mini-series "Dog Days."

Marley is basically a normal dog that does what normal dogs do. He chews things up, barks at strangers, greets friends with chest bumps, poops in the ocean, farts, runs joyfully all over when not restrained and hates lightning. No big deal. You've seen it a hundred times, right?

But what happens when this normal dog ends up living with two very neurotic, high-strung, undisciplined, unneutered humans? See? Now you have the makings of a searing story of drama and sacrifice.

The humans are played by relative newcomers Owen Wilson (the voice of Lightning McQueen in "Cars") and Jennifer Aniston (Jeannie Bueller in the TV series version of "Ferris Bueller"). Aniston is the meaner of two, as she tries throughout the movie to starve Marley to death, screaming at one point, "How many times have I told you not to leave anything edible where he [Marley] can get it?"

Unfortunately, there are long stretches of the movie that focus more on Wilson and Aniston than on our hero Marley. And because the two were never spayed and neutered they keep having babies, and of course anyone familiar with the Human Society literature knows what a terrible problem that creates.

But there are also moments of levity, and, dare I say, eroticism. This NSFW moment is why I'm not letting Maggie watch this until she's older, but hey, when you see that chemistry between Kathleen Turner and Marley it's hard to call it anything less than cinematic genius.

But I ramble. The bottom line is that this movie is great because it isn't based on a graphic novel and Clyde delivers an Oscar Mayer-worthy performance in the role of Marley right up to the end when he (***Spoiler Alert***) dies. (***Spoiler Alert over***) It could have been stronger if Marley had been given a love interest, but I guess the director was trying to avoid making a romantic comedy. At least we'll always have that tender moment of lust-in-the-sand with Kathleen Turner.

If you're looking for DVD extras, well this DVD has 'em. Of course there's some major Gag Reel stuff, which is typical of any movie with humans in it, but the coop-de-grass is the moment when Clyde, caught on camera, had just had it with the incompetent crew and pees all over the set. Shades of Christian Bale! A genuine DogTube moment!

In addition to the regular DVD movie, there's also a "Two-disc Bad Dog Edition," which I guess is longer than the first one, and even a "Three-disc Bad Dog Edition," which must be the 24-hour art-house version. And if you don't have electricity, there's the original book, or if you need something to keep that broken coffee table from falling over there's the hardcover book. And finally, if you're almost blind like Chigger, you can get the audiobook version, but I don't have a link for that. Click on the book link and you'll be able to track it down.

So what's the verdict? The Gerret, as always, easily impressed, just has to give "Me and Marley" four-and-a-half Gerrets.

Me and Marley: