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June 26, 2008

maggieScooby dooby doo!

by Maggie

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Hi! I'm Maggie!! You might have like heard of me from Gerret's earlier posts. I'm going to be guest-blogging on Gerret Swirled! Why? Only because I have The Gerret totally wrapped around my little dewclaw! He sooo wants me to be his girlfriend!!!

First things first! My BFs ask, "What's Gerret really like? He's so super cute!"

What a question! Well, he is a bit of a swash bungler...

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...but he's also partially awesome in a totally awesome kind of way!!! Think Milo in The Mask when he had the mask on!!!

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Don't even ask if we're sleeping together cuz, you know, that's not polite!! And don't look at this picture! (NSFW)

What about me? My birthday's around Valentine's Day, my favorite color is paisley, my favorite food is the stuff in Chigger's bowl, and when I grow up I want to be a miniature poodle!! I like to take pictures! I started puppy kindergarten school last week!! Barf!! (No, I don't mean school is bad barf, I mean I totally barf every time I go there in the car!) I think I'll major in literary criticism!! Just the parts that talk about dogs!!

This week I'm studying Canterbury Tails by Chaucer:

Ran Colle, oure dogge, and Talbot, and Gerland, And Malkyn with a dystaf in hir hand, Ran cow and calf, and eek the verray hogges, So were they fered for berkying of the dogges

"berkying of the dogges!!?!" Awesome, except what's with the spell-checker, Dude?

But since The Gerret can only like seem to write about himself, you know, what I'm going to do is grab a bit of blogtopia for the rest of us around this place!!! For instance, here's a very very very young guy we met yesterday when we were out walking!

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He was only maybe like 10-15 hours old and that's in dog hours!! Sooo cool!!!

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I named him Scooby Sinatra! It just seemed to fit!! Anyway, Scooby's mom was hanging around so after a short chat we left them to go do their deer thing! Maybe I'll IM him later!! But I gotta go!!!! Yours truly!!

July 3, 2008

maggieIt's a natural holly day!

by Maggie

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Hi! Maggie here again! Big big news!!! Tomorrow is Gerret's birthday! He's going to be 15!!! (That's one in two-legged years.) Totally awesome!! Is he excited?!! No, or so he says, but I'm like all "yeah I'm soooo sure!"

He's soooo cool!! He casually points out that his birthday is the ford of jewel eye, which has been declared a natural holly day!!! (Chigger just shakes her head when he says that. I guess she doesn't care much for trees.)

Whatevah!!!

It's surprise party time!!!! Awesome! But I gotta go!!!! Yours truly!!

July 6, 2008

gerretSnake on a Plain

by Gerret

The Gerret

My apologies for the recent posts. Maggie's young and, well, young.

As for The Gerret? I've been thinking about all of you out there who've been asking, "Hey, Gerret, when are you going to make another major motion picture?"

Of course you're all remembering "Ducks on Ice" which garnered me the prestigious Golden Cat Turd award for best first movie by a dog of indeterminate breed at this spring's [Dog Food] Cans Film Festival.

Now, The Gerret is proud to announce, "Snake on a Plain." Part mocu-drama, part homage to low-budget horror movies, and part vanity production, SOAP stars The Gerret, along with Maggie, Chigger and Slim, who plays the snake. Some guy named Sam Jackson called and asked to be in the movie, but I took one look at "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith" and told him "not for all the burnt hot dogs in all the 7-11's in all the universe." I mean he's got a pretty face and all, but could you imagine him playing a dog? The guy can't act!

SOAP is epic in length, with a running time of nearly three minutes. It has been my intention to "keep it real," and so, in taking a page from the Mel Gibson school of filmmaking, I've done the entire film in the original dog and snake dialects. I hope you're able to translate, because some of Maggie's lines are just hilarious. And Chigger's "Snake, what snake? I don't see no snake," scene will probably garner her a nomination. Granted, Slim maybe overacted a bit, but it suited his character.

I'm afraid this is pretty much an adult film. I eschewed the obvious happy ending for gritty realism and conclusion without resolution. You'll note how the movie leaves the audience in an existential quandary as we see a close-up of Maggie's horrified face when she notices a rope on the ground and wonders, "is that a rope, or is it actually another snake?" It's a question that strikes deep to the psyche of every dog and I cannot promise you'll sleep well having seen "Snake on a Plain."


August 11, 2008

gerretThe Chicken Came First

by Gerret

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There's been some rumbling behind my butt lately that The Gerret is a bit of an elitist who's not all that in touch with the more, ah, "working class" animals around here. It's been suggested that I think I'm better than everyone else, that I think that everyone else's shit doesn't stink as good as mine.

So? What can I say? There's a reason my middle name is Alpha.

However, as Chigger has pointed out, this has created a bit of a dilemma for me, since not all the other animals recognize the reality of their lives relative to the reality of The Gerret and sometimes fail to exhibit the appropriate approbation. And yet I so desire to be a benevolent despot.

So after studying the lives of contemporary politicians, I've come up with a plan to win the hearts and minds of my constituents. I will pander.

To do this I'm initiating an occasional feature here called "Profiles Encourage" [them to like me]. I will flatter them. They will share their food with me. Pure genius. Today's profile is on Jane.

Jane is a chicken. She's been around here since before The Gerret was bored. Actually she's what they call an Easter Egg chicken because she lays blue and green eggs. (You have to take that with a grain of salt. They may be blue or green on the outside, but they're still white and yellow on the inside.)

Anyway, every day when Stump leaves the house to go to the office, Jane tags along, waits for the door to open. Then she goes inside, jumps up on the desk, finds her box in the corner and sits there, sometimes for hours, until she lays an egg. Pretty weird, but here's proof. Pay attention and you'll here the egg drop and see it roll around.

Argh. The Gerret has to admit that after that display I'm sorta glad I don't have to lay eggs.

November 8, 2008

gerretLipstick on a Palin

by Gerret

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Chigger is all over my butt to share this with y'all. She's gettin' on in years, especially dog years, and she normally doesn't get riled about much of anything excepting when The Gerret or Maggie gets too close to her food bowl before she's decided she's had enough. Other than that she likes to laze around and stare out the window with her good eye and bark at stuff that isn't there which gets me and Maggie all wound up and we blast outside through the dog door and bark like crazy and chase around the house a couple of times and stand out front and bark a couple more times for good measure just in case whatever Chigger saw is still within earshot and then we come racing back in and Chigger's curled up on the floor with what I swear is a smirk on her face and one of our dog chews between her paws.

Anyway, apparently she has some history with Barney, the White House dog. Not my problem, but you can see here and here and here that back in the day Chigger and Woody (rip) had a bit of an obsession.

Seems that recently Barney lost control and blew his cover. Yaaaawnnn. Just another boomer dog turning senile if you ask The Gerret. Chigger sees it all a bit more sinister-like. As she likes to say, "You can put lipstick on a Palin, but it's still a Palin."


August 10, 2009

gerretRufus and the Call Ducks

by Gerret

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Yes, been a long time between posts. That's because I'm a dog. And I work like one. Sometimes. I also sleep like one. And you know what they say about sleeping dogs. Especially The Gerret.

Anyway, that's a picture of Amy, who recently passed away. Why is this important? Well, because she was one-half of the comic duo Rufus and Amy, ("The Mallards") current residents of the pond. Around here we're kind of used to turnover in the resident duck pond population, but there's always a moment that's really annoying, and that's when you reach a point where there's only one duck left. As has now occurred.

There's nothing more pathetic than the last duck. Especially if it's a guy. He'll mope and pout and emote mournful semi-quacks and on and on and on. Rufus been all that in spades. He stares at his food, follows the chickens around, sleeps late, drops feathers all over the place and just generally sulks. Really no fun to be around.

So it was with some great sense of relief that Stump and Tweet came home with three new call ducks the other day. Call ducks look like regular ducks except they're smaller. Sorta like the Chihuahuas of the duck world. (Well, not THAT small. They'd probably eat one of them tea cup Chihuahuas. But imagine something that looks about like a pigeon except it has a bill and duck feet.)

So they put the call ducks in a pen and those ducks quack a few times and Rufus comes waddling up the hill. (You'd think he'd come flying up the hill, but no, he's too depressed to fly. Sheesh.) He sees the new ducks and you could see an immediate change in attitude. Best I can describe it is sorta like if there was a duck version of Enzyte, the once daily tablet for natural male enhancement, and Rufus was doing the TV commercial.

But still there was the problem of Rufus being on the outside and the call ducks being incarcerated. Of course the call ducks didn't know any better because they had always been in a pen. So Rufus spent the next day-and-a-half keeping a vigil and lobbying the governor for a pardon.

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Finally this afternoon the word came down and they opened the gates. That actually didn't mean a whole lot to the call ducks who pretty much stayed put. So Rufus started talking and Rufus started walking and pretty soon the call ducks, sensing a ancient shared kinship, decided to throw their lot in with the big handsome dude with the green head and the corny sense of humor. (Two of the call ducks are girls, so there's definitely the makings of a reality TV show at work here.)

It was at that point that The Gerret, already in search of a subject for my next documentary, grabbed a camera and caught the drama.

The interesting part is that those call ducks didn't know a pond, or even a water feature, from a flat piece of dirt and the minute they hit the water and their feet didn't stop going down, they were totally panicked. But that only lasted a few seconds as they took to that pond like, well...

August 19, 2009

maggieThe Sisterhood of the Traveling Paws

by Maggie

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Maggie here! OMG, OMG, OMG!!!! You won't believe what I did! Literally! It was sooooo way too cool! Remember SawsyPaws?!! Yes! My sister!!! We're related! In fact, we always have been! We're like BFF&E!

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ANYWAY! We went to visit Sawsy! She has a dog house on a really really REALLY big pond with really cool water and like a really cool boat! It was awesome!

Here we are on the boat, catchin' some rays! OMG we are just soooo cool! I wish that used-cat-litter-for-brains-fool that dumped us on the road last year as puppies could see us now! What a total Loser!

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Here's The Gerret on the boat! Ha ha ha ha! Can you say Barf?!

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But like actually, The Gerret is pretty cool, he's just not an Aquarius like us! More of a land-lubber! LOL!!!!

Anyway, here's how we roll!!!

August 29, 2010

gerretTall Tails

by Gerret

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There are people out there who actually believe that dogs have psychic abilities. That we can talk to each other without moving our lips. That we can predict the weather. That we can diagnose tumors and recognize evil humans as they approach. That we can tell when Stump's coming home before his airplane has even landed and that we know when you've put a pill in our food no matter how deeply you bury it in some fancy meat product.

Okay. Okay. Some of that is slight-of-paw, some is misdirection, much is careful observation. (If you spent 24/7 observing me the way I spend 24/7 observing you, you'd have a much better understanding of why I hate playing "fetch my stinky slippers." Argh.)

Yes, there's a rare few, like your humble author The Gerret, who truly have some psychic abilities. For instance, I know that at this very moment you are reading my blog.

Now you're thinking, "that's a stupid joke."

Now you're thinking "how did he know what I was doing and thinking?"

Psychic powers!

But let's go back to the "talking without moving our lips" thing.

Because people anthropomorphize dogs, they expect them to talk with their mouths. But mainly we talk with our tails. You probably wouldn't know about that since you don't have tails, just booty. In fact, some folks think dog tails are superfluous and they cut them off. Sheesh. Try cutting out your tongue and going to a cocktail party. You get the picture.

Dog tails are like billboards, and GPS systems, and cell phone towers and dog podcasts all rolled into one. To wit, my newest movie:


August 29, 2011

gerretHow I single-handedly scared off Hurricane Irene

by Gerret

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So last weekend The Gerret collided with Hurricane Irene and I'm guessing you know who won. I knew you did.

Anyways, Stump documented the whole thing over on Bourbon, Dogs and Art (click here), even if he did downplay my role in saving pretty much everything he holds sacred. But that's okay. I'm a dog. This is my job. To protect, and serve, and run in circles with crazed abandon until even hurricanes decide it might just be safer to tiptoe past quietly and move on down the road.

P.S. - Maggie helped.

About Our universe

This page contains an archive of all entries posted to Gerret Swirled in the Our universe category. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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