Politics (multiple blood-sucking bugs) Archives

January 27, 2008

gerretThe Dubya Doll

by Gerret

dubya doll

So I'm back in the lab today, testing another toy. This time it's a George Dubya doll toy. Initially I called it a George Dubya action figure, but Stump took away my food bowl so "doll toy" it is. What exactly is it? Well, like the hurl-a-squirrel, you can throw it, you can tug it, or you can try to tear it to shreds, but it's highest and best use is trying to tear it to shreds. Plus it SQUEAKS!

Dubya doll

I am curious about what a "dubya" really is. Stump muttered something about "wurst precedent in the history of the knighted staids" but Chigger warned me that that was just a ruse. She said "dubya" is actually a code word that Stump and Tweet use in place of "walk" when they don't want us to know what they're talking about. What that has to do with a doll, I don't know. Did I mention it SQUEAKS!

I also don't know what "voodoo" means but Stump cheers and brings that up whenever I make the Dubya doll squeak. Go figure. Only problem with this toy is that Stump seems to want to get rid of it. He keeps saying he can't stand another year of it. But trust me, if I haven't shredded, buried or lost this doll in a year, then I'm not doing my job. And the Gerret always does his job.

Anyway, I'm giving the Dubya Doll three-and-half gerrets. It seems to be oblivious to all the abuse it inspires, and it makes Stump laugh. Plus it SQUEAKS!

Dubya Doll: 3-and-a-half Gerrets

June 2, 2008

gerretLassie Come Home

by Gerret


Hey The Gerret wants to give a shout-out to my new friend here. He showed up in the ditch last week. A pup of maybe 12 weeks. He was a collegial dude with a cool attitude, but he had some problems. For starters he was trying to feed half the world's tick population all by himself, and his ribs were sticking so far out they needed to be pushed back in, and there was a lot a places where he needed new hair glued onto his body, and then there was that nasty discharge. It's hard to come up with that many problems in twelve weeks.

We'all figured he must have either been badly abused and abandoned by some a-hole (Chigger's and my personal opinion), or he'd gone on a hunger strike to protest the demeaning image of the drug-addled dog stereotype portrayed in Internet TV series such as Wilfred. (Maggie's opinion. Hey, she's just a puppy.)

Anyway, we tried to keep him around, but after a couple of days it was obvious that he needed more skills than we had to offer. So I says to him. The heck with pack etiquette. Give it to me straight. What do you need? Here's what he said. Cool? I swear he sounded just like Mick Jagger.

So we took him to the shelter where he could get proper medical attention. The sad part is that there's gonna be more like him before this war is over. We miss him. We're hoping he recovers and we're thinking we might see him again back here at the farm if everything works out. We named him Lassie. It just seemed right.

November 8, 2008

gerretLipstick on a Palin

by Gerret


Chigger is all over my butt to share this with y'all. She's gettin' on in years, especially dog years, and she normally doesn't get riled about much of anything excepting when The Gerret or Maggie gets too close to her food bowl before she's decided she's had enough. Other than that she likes to laze around and stare out the window with her good eye and bark at stuff that isn't there which gets me and Maggie all wound up and we blast outside through the dog door and bark like crazy and chase around the house a couple of times and stand out front and bark a couple more times for good measure just in case whatever Chigger saw is still within earshot and then we come racing back in and Chigger's curled up on the floor with what I swear is a smirk on her face and one of our dog chews between her paws.

Anyway, apparently she has some history with Barney, the White House dog. Not my problem, but you can see here and here and here that back in the day Chigger and Woody (rip) had a bit of an obsession.

Seems that recently Barney lost control and blew his cover. Yaaaawnnn. Just another boomer dog turning senile if you ask The Gerret. Chigger sees it all a bit more sinister-like. As she likes to say, "You can put lipstick on a Palin, but it's still a Palin."

December 16, 2008


by Gerret


It sometimes seems like Chigger is the only one around here who can stay focused. And these days she's verging on seriously grim. Today she wrote "35 human days until Barney vacates the Casa Blanca" in her dog food and then gave out one of those silent-but-deadly farts that only a dog who's been practicing for thirteen-and-a-half years can master. (It's a skill that The Gerret can only aspire to one day.) Yesterday she wrote "36 human days..." and the day before that it was "37 human days..." and on and on, like some sort of dog-autistic obsession.

So I says to her in a light-hearted fashion so as to brighten the surrounding atmosphere in which we both participated, "Hey Chigger, I didn't know you spoke Spanish."

Slowly she turned, step-by-step, inch-by-inch she approached me. She focused her one good eye on me in steely fashion, then squinted and coldly replied in a voice just barely louder than a whisper, "Don't get smug with me you little cat-turd eatin' mutt. I've lived through nearly 56 dog years of Barney this and Barney that. It's Barney-cams every Christmas and Barney-in-the-Rose-Garden every summer. Meanwhile football-player-induced dog-on-dog violence goes unchecked, foreign dog food is poisoning us, Presidential candidates are driving around with dogs on the roofs of their cars and a beagle wins the Westchester Dog Show. You hear me, a BEAGLE! Our entire species has become a laughing stock. It will take generations to undo the damage."

With that she pointed me to the following video and puked.

First I cleaned up the puke, a bold and boisterous gumbo of squirrel guts and roadside french fries with the delicate aftertaste of some kind of wild animal poop I just couldn't quite but my finger on. Then I watched the video.

(*"What You See Is What They Want You To See" from "Chiggerpedia")

February 12, 2012

gerretI Ride Inside!

by Gerret


Yes! The Gerret has joined the Dogs Against Romney Super Pack and their "I Ride Inside" movement. Everyone knows that animal crates on the roof of a car are for cats. (Just kidding Slippers. Maybe.)

I've even gone so far as to update my universally loved and award-winning feature film with new scrolling subtitles. Enjoy!

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