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    August 27, 2006

wears my servant end other trivials

woody

bbbn, bbbn, bbbn. jest a little housecleaning today. furs end foremost, as ewe mite half noticed, eye have a gnu bit of technology two show off. ewe remember how last weak eye was getting awl excited about internet acrobats? well chigger was awl worried that eye'd get carried away with that sword of thing, sew she taut me this castrating style shit trick wear eye kin use my acrobats, butt if ewe doughnut get it, ewe kin roll yor mouth over the acrobat, witch will half a tiny dotted line under it, end the hole thing will display buy yor cursor. at leash it works in netscape 9 four dogs. if it doesn't work four ewe, ewe mite half two upgrade yor browser. as eye like two say, etiefi!

eye also knead too note that wee took a break this weak because wee got email from sum mysterious person who sad wee should take a brake because wee whir getting a new server. okay, wee took a brake. butt the service around hear isn't any better than it used two be. sew if ewe sea hour server, tell them we hour out of food, sew get yor butt in gear.

end finally, eye half two mention the fact that a bunch of "scientists" fired pluto, won of the grate cartoon dogs of awl thyme, as a planet. they kept a planet named after they're butt wholes, end another planet named after a woman with no arms, and they fired pluto. fmbtyk.

Pluto with moon

btw - pluto may knot bee a planet any moor, butt he still has a moon. trust me.

    August 17, 2006

btw eye am rotflmao

woody

btw, btw, btw. ha! inn case ewe didn't no, btw stands four "buy the weigh." it's a cryptic phrase, two say the leash, butt that's knot the point. the point is that it takes eleven letters and two spaces and reuses it two three characters. that's 13 to 3! on a dog computer that's 91 characters reused to 21 characters. that's sew hot!

ken ewe sea wear aim going with this? sure ewe can. this is gong two save me sew much thyme. because it's knot jest btw. there's also lol, witch means "laughing out loud," and rotfl witch means "rolling on the floor laughing" and rotflmao witch means "rolling on the floor laughing my ask off" end imho witch means "in my human opinion."

inn case ewe haven't figured it out, what these things all half in common is that they take the first letter of each world end use it two foreign a shorter word. it's awl over the internets now. inn fact, these things our called "internet acrobats."

the only problem is that a lot of them hour useless four years truly. four instants, eye don't laugh out loud, or half human opinions or no what "buy the weigh" means.

but nun the less, this is a good think, because eye kin crepé my own internet acrobats. witch eye intend two due. hear's sum of my first wons:

dots - "drooling on the sofa"
wmf - "what? me fart?"
estcw - "ewe smell that crotch, whew"
potnt - "pissing on the neighbor's tree"
hegtetsow - "hour ewe going two eat that stake ore what?"
fmbtyk - "from my butt two yor knows"
tlcptm - "tastes like cat poop two me"
ritss - "rolling inn the smelling stuff"
ritsslmbo - "rolling inn the smelling stuff licking my balls off"
iedliekapiu - "if ewe don't like it, ewe kin always puke it up!"
bbbn - "bark! bark! bark! nevermind."

sew that's enough four now. aisle sleep on this end come up with sum moor soon. inn the meantime, if ewe half any suggest 'ems, well go ahead end suggest 'em.

    August 11, 2006

Dog Dials 911. Yawn.

chigger

Doing some digital housecleaning tonight. Getting rid of a few post-it notes as it were.

Here's a story the Internets are making a big deal about. It's a dog that dialed 911 and saved his, well, the story calls him an "owner." (I prefer the word "pawn," but then I don't work for a friggin' newspaper.)

Now all I got to say about that story is, get used to it. Dial 911? Big deal. That's what we do. Don't believe me? Then read this. And then read this.

***

I want to throw out a shout-out to Ash, a cool dog who has managed to put together a crib with some chickens and a couple of artists in rural Scotland. Not too shabby. It's not Frog Pond Farm with Stump and Tweet, but I could tolerate it.

***

On the technology side, I'm struggling to find a balance between making it easy to post comments while still making it hard enough to discourage cats and spambotulators. Today I made it a bit easier and will monitor how it goes. After all, we're dogs. We need your love. Talk to us. Please!

And finally, for dogs who are relatively new to the blog dogs, I've added a brief blog bio to the greetings dogs!!!!!!!!!! link on the upper right. Try it. You'll like it.

    November 14, 2003

netscape 9 for dogs

woody

oh-key, oh-key, oh-key, oh-key. me-a coppa, eye'm sorry and etcetera, etcetera. it has come two my attention that a fast majority of hour reeders our under the impression that wee have knot posted since sum thyme back in august. well this just goes two show that first depressions kin bee deceiving.

wee half posted with alarming regularity over the passed several months. inn fact it has been sum of hour most profound end hilarious righting, with at least to unconfirmed incidences of readers laughing themselfs two deaf.

bee that as it may, wee half discovered a technical problem that mite bee effecting sum of our reeders. ewe sea, back in august wee redesigned hour web sight end optimized it for netscape 9 for dogs. this maid it possible four us two add virtual stereo surround sound, three-dee holography, dog breath, end caller eye-dee, witch has been just hot hot hot.

butt. today wee were apprised of the fat that only to other computer yousers inn the universe actually half netscape 9 for dogs. apparently development on n94d was shelfed when aol laid off all the netscape programmers. and thus all of hour posts since august are invisible two everyone else excepting four me, chigger and to shitzoos in boca raton.

at annie raitt, we half decided that wheel never sell any advertising with only too readers, sew we've abandoned the multiremedial features of n94d end reverted two the defaults. sew end joy. wee witch wee could reproduce all the brilliant posts of the past several months inn this default format, butt they just are knot backwards compatible.

again, my apologies.

    March 30, 2003

no wonder they named it after a cat

woody

osx osx osx. blake statedog axes in the previous comments why wee dew knot post more often of lately. inn a word, the answer is "osx." (chigger claims osx is three words and is the abbreviation four mac's new fancy pants "operating system ten" sometimes called "jaguar." eye think it is a won syllable dog word pronounced "osx" that means "steve jobs has got his nose weigh up my butt and he's loving it.")

if eye really wanted an unreliable garish gooey built on top of end obtuse obscure ancient command line operating system... well, than eye'd bee sew dumb eye'd bee chasing down sticks four a living instead of righting grate literature two ewe, my loyal reeder.

anyway, the powers that bee around hear "upgraded" my mac to osx about to months ago and productivity has plummeted. the printer doesn't work write now sew eye can't proof my riding, the scanner does knot work write sew eye can't scan my butt two disk. e-male is a knight-mare, nun of my old software works write (except my spell chequer). and since nobody offers reel tech support anymore, eye spend awl day on hold listening two kenny g dewing m&m covers. sew if bill gates's dog is out there reading this, no that eye can bee bought write now. (knot that windows is better, butt if year going two buy crap ewe mite as well by cheap crap.) grrrrrrr...

    January 30, 2003

antispamiliciousness

woody

spam spam spam spam spam spam. eye love spam. at least when eye can get it out of the can. it's just unsolicited email eye can't stand. eye mean who does their marketing research? eye'm a dog ewe fool. eye don't kneed a bigger wangus, and eye certainly don't want bigger booberinos and eye'm knot stupid enough two think that some dog stranger in nigeria really wants too send me a hundred million dog biscuits four safekeeping. and looking at animals getting, well, intimate, with naked humans is, well, there's just know accounting four what sum dogs will dew four a cookie. eye guess ewe really half two wonder if humans are really dumb enough two by something from someone who gives them a fake return address. must bee. unless their are humans dumb enough two keep sending stuff out with fake addresses even though know won bys anything. butt awl this is beside the point, which is, inn spite of everything else, the fact that eye'm a total sucker four kinky squirrel porno spam. arf arf arf. ewe no why? because it's really hard for a squirrel two run fast in high heels. har har har.

squirrelicious

    January 29, 2003

Property is Theft

chigger

You know, sometimes I give humans a lot of grief, but the one thing I really admire about them is that they're neither greedy nor materialistic. For instance, when a human finds a really well-aged piece of raw meat, the kind of meat that makes you drool so heavy they measure it in gallons-per-minute. I mean a piece of meat so luscious you have to beat the flies off with a stick, with an aroma so fragrant that even from 100 feet away you have to take deep breaths to keep from swooning. Yes, I'm talking meat as good as it gets, and yet humans never even take a bite. Instead they share the whole thing amongst their animal friends.

Then there's Woody. Given the same opportunity, he'd suck that whole piece of meat down faster than a scared squirrel with bad gas and a tail on fire.

And the greed doesn't stop there. Woody has to have EVERYTHING. If it's bigger than a dog tag, he's gonna claim it and pee on it. He just spends all day pee-ing on things. "That's mine, and that's mine, and that's mine," he's saying. "This tree over here is mine, and this shrub is mine, and this fence is mine, and this hubcap is mine and this stick is mine and this rock is mine." Pu-leeese.

Compare that to human behavior. Humans don't seem to need to own hardly anything. Humans keep life simple. Granted, they all seem obsessed with laying claim to the big white drinking bowl in the bathroom, but other than that you only see occasional displays of materialism, and that's usually way out in the country where nobody else cares.

So what's all this got to do with us not posting for a couple of weeks? Well, it's like this. A while back I was working on a post about training humans to leave the refrigerator door open when Woody comes by and wants to post something about squirrel porno. I say, "As soon as I'm done, Woody," but Woody, being Woody, lifts his leg and says "No now. This is MY powerbook." And, well, he shorted out the monitor and fried the keyboard and it's taken two weeks to get it back from the shop.

    September 7, 2002

Bloodsuckers

chigger

I had a frigging tick on me tonight. A big fat ugly engorged tick sucking blood out my body. That bloodsucker was swelled up to the size of a quarter-inch diameter beach ball. I hate it when that happens. I'd like to be funny about it. I'd like to use bloodsucking ticks as a metaphorical jumping off point to develop a sarcastic commentary about CEOs or politicians or stock brokers or email spammers or right-wing radio talk show hosts or left-wing pseudo-victims or pervert priests or radical Muslims or radical Baptists or reality television or the NRA or the NBA or professional athletes in general or feral cats or Anna Nicole Smith or Ann Coulter or X-sports or France or boy bands or health insurance or car insurance or life insurance or whatever. But this was a REAL tick sucking REAL blood out of my REAL body, and there's just nothing funny about it.

    August 12, 2002

Categorical imperatives

chigger

Okay, we've come up with an initial set of categories, which I believe will service us well as we strive to inform, teach and educate while at the same trying to avoid redundancy and repetition. We will certain consider adding more as the need presents itself. But at any rate, here's what we've got for starters:

� Us: ruminations on our spectacularness
� Dogues: notice the european spelling
� Rodents: including mice, rats, possums, squirrels, cats, deers and chiwawas
� Humid Beans: behavior, acquisition and training
� Popular culture: things that need electricity to survive
� Poplar culture: things that need water to survive
� Ticknology: blood-sucking bugs, computers and blog maintenance

As you might imagine, any post that has been posted previous to this post has been categorized posthumorously. And please acknowledge the fact that I didn't attempt a single pun on the word "cat-egory." (It only encourages the shameless exhibitionists.) But the urge is almost irresistable, so I think I'll use the word "topic" from now on.

    August 4, 2002

The Truth about cats and female dogs

chigger

Woody, dear, "bitch" and "pussy" will never do. You have to realize that humans, who constitute about 62% of our readership, have a very limited vocabulary. As near as I can tell, they seem to think that "bitch" refers to any woman dumb enough to hang around with a rap singer. I'm not exactly sure what they think "pussy" means, but from what I hear I'm sure glad I'm not a cat.

bureaucracy

woody

chigger has assigned me the task of coming up with a list of categories sew wee can categorize hour posts four the benefit of ewe readers. chigger wants a "housebreaking your human" category, an an "about us" category ann a "pop culture" category four awl her book and movie reviews. as four me, eye just wanted a "pussy" category and a "bitch" category. any other suggestions?

    July 25, 2002

i rest my case

woody

well, chigger has convinced me that eye should lay off the stupid shift key entirely. i have two apologize because eye did knot realize it was creating such a visual mess four all ewe non-dogs out there. sea, the problem is this - dogs due not see different cases, we just see letters. four example, inn my last post i wrote "some things just never get easier." hear, according two chigger, is what that sentence looked like to bipeds:

SomE things just nevEr get easIER.

hear is what that sentence looked like to dogs:

SOME THINGS NEVER GET ANY EASIER.

notice the difference? and yet boat sentences say the same thing. luckily, dogs only have to learn won case because all letters come out the same size. plus we hardly ever use the letter zee in a sentence. eye certainly do knot envy any species that has two learn to hole alphabets in order two reed. but you're probably used two it buy now. chigger also says non-dogs can't sea the colors. can't sea the colors? how can you stand it? why even waste time reading if you can't sea the colors. ahhhh, the colors. that's the best part.

    July 18, 2002

the WOody-man arrives!

woody

Hay hay hAy! This spell czech thing works preTty GOOD!!! Sew noW it's ME, WoodTick esquire the First, coming two ewe fRom dog utopiA. let mE start buy apologizing four that voiCe recognition fiasco inn my last post. nevEr trust SharEware from turkeY. Near as eye can tell, iT translates everything INto Turkish. Butt hay! Know harm knoW fowl, write? This is Woody signing off four now. Sea you on the flip siDe.

    June 30, 2002

Hooked on Dog Fonix

chigger

If any of you dogs out there have been thinking about getting voice recognition software, let Woody's last post serve to illustrate its limitations. It's still full of bugs when it comes to handling dog speech. Sure you might get a decent phonetic translation, but when your accent is as thick as Woody's it really doesn't give you anything readable. Too bad, actually, since I thought his comment about adopted bunnies searching for their birth parents was both poignant and hilarious.

    June 29, 2002

Rff, ruff

woody

Rff, ruff, ruff. Aruff, rrrrrff, rrrf. Rff, rff, rff, rff, rff, rff. Arf. Rff, rff, rff. Ruff. Ruff! Rrraaaaarrrff. Ark! Ark! Ark! Ark! Ark! Ark! Ark! Ark! rrrRRRarf.

Arff, rff, arf. Roff, off, off. Rrrrf. Rff, rff, rff, rff, rff, rff. Arf, rrrfff, rrff. RUFF RUFF. Rff, rff, rff, rff, rff, ar-rr-rah. Ark! Ark! Arrfff.

    June 27, 2002

Of mice and dogs

chigger

Don't worry. We're getting there. I'm helping Woody install a spell-checker and I've been practicing myself. We're new to this so it takes a while to get comfortable. It's been all the harder for Woody because he insisted on getting a Windows PC, and spent a month struggling with that two-button mouse before I finally convinced him to get an iMac with a one-button mouse. Actually, it was the second mouse he struggled with. He ate his first mouse. Then he tried to replace it so as I wouldn't notice, but instead of a mouse he came back with a vole. The vole just wouldn't tolerate having his tail stuck in a USB port and pooped all over the mouse pad. All-in-all I think the iMac is the best choice for him.

    June 21, 2002

he,;lL(o

woody

i'M ;sTreye ng tO leaRn 2 tipe. it snOt ez #$ WHan u doughnt no, [How 2 sspel. ....... Nd o,f corSe th~Er's thyis hOle isHyou OF tiPing wif P*aus!11!1! arrr